Now or Never
by hollybridgetpeppermint
Summary: When human and fairy admit love For one another, Then, and only then, will the Destroyer stop destroying, Then will the spell be broken, And few will remember what has transpired.” AH, rating for some violence
1. Chapter 1: Confessions and Confusion

_**Disclaimer: All characters, settings, etc. belong to Eoin Colfer…**_

**Chapter One: Confessions and Confusion**

The girl had auburn hair and hazel eyes. She visited Artemis in his dreams pretty much every day. Artemis knew her. She went by the name of Holly. How Artemis knew this, he couldn't say. He had never seen her before…at least he thought so. He wasn't really sure. The only thing he was sure of was that he liked this girl. And yet…how could you have a crush on a dream girl?

**Holly's house**

Holly woke up in a sweat—again. She sighed. _Why do I always have to dream about…him? _she thought. _And why does his going always make me so agitated? _The answer to these questions was in her head, of course, but she ignored it. She didn't want to accept it. On the occasion that that small nagging voice in her head did break into one of her thoughts, she immediately denied everything. This happened now, while she was changing into her jumpsuit. _Why? _(Maybe because you like him), taunted the voice. _Oh, be quiet! _(No, why should I?) _Because you're lying! _(You know you like him. You know you do!) _Go away! _She marched out of her room, as though to get rid of these thoughts, but they continued. (You like him, you just don't want to admit it! Come on, say you do, 'cause you know it's true!) _Aaargh! _(Hey, I'm a poet, and I know it!) _Cool. Now scram. Shoo! O-U-T_ out!(Fine, but I'll be back!) it sang cheerfully. _Ugh. I'm going insane_, she thought to herself. _And I'm only 132. _She checked the time. _Oh, shoot, I'm late for work again!_ She ran out the door.

**LEP Headquarters**

"Captain Short! You're late again!" said Commander Root. "That's three days in a row!"

"Yes, sir. I know, sir. Sorry, sir."

Root blinked. "_What_ did you say?"

"I said 'yes, sir. I know, sir. Sorry, sir.'"

"But you never just submit to me like that. What's going on with you, Captain?"

Immediately, the small voice in her head began teasing again. (You like Artemis. That's what's going on.) _Oh, be quiet_, snapped Holly. (No. I'm here to make it clear.) _Stop it!_ (Nyah nyah, you like Artemis Fowl!) "Go _AWAY!" _She suddenly realized that she had said that out loud.

"_EXCUSE_ ME!" shouted an outraged Commander Root.

"Um, not you, sir. I mean, I was talking to…"

"Who? Your invisible friend?"

"No, er…" She couldn't see any way out except the truth. "I was talking to myself, sir. Sorry, sir."

"Yourself?" He seemed quite astonished, and peered at her worriedly. "And exactly what was…ah…yourself saying that made you tell it to go away?"

"It was, um…er…well…I…don't really want to tell you."

"Too bad."

"I, um, really don't think…"

"THAT'S AN ORDER, CAPTAIN SHORT!" He was back to his old self now.

"Well, sir," she began, trying to think up a five-second lie and wondering why she never did take that course in high school. It would have been so _useful_, 'Five-Second Lies and How To Use Them.' "Well, sir, I…er…well, you see…I was…sort of…um… Ungh," she groaned. "This isn't working, is it?"

"No, Captain, it certainly isn't. Now I know that whatever you tell me will be a lie."

Suddenly inspired, she continued. "I, um…it was telling me that I…er…" her face flushed, "that I liked Fowl."

He stared. "That you _WHAT!"_

"Er, that I liked Fowl, sir."

"I…well, that's certainly not what I expected. Gotta tell Foaly."

"What?" she said, panicked. "I thought you said you thought whatever I told you would be a lie."

"I'm sorry, that's just too abstract to be anything but the truth. Besides, you would never say that unless it was true, because you'd consider it the worst thing that could happen and would therefore not use it to cover up anything worse. And besides _that_, you gave it away permanently by what you just said."

Holly moaned. "This is the worst day of my life."

"That's nice," said Commander Root, too busy fiddling with his com-screen to notice what she'd said. "Foaly—WHERE IS THAT UPPITY CENTAUR WHEN I NEED HIM!"

Just then Foaly barged into the room.

Sir—sir! I really think you ought to see this!"

"Speak of the devil," muttered Root. Then he suddenly realized that Foaly had called him "sir," not "Julius." His eyes grew wide.

"What is it, Foaly?"

"I found something, sir. It's really weird. It's a prophecy."

"What's so weird about a prophecy?"

"Here, let me read it to you. It's about The Destroyer. According to this, this "Destroyer" person is supposed to come really soon. And the only way they can be conquered is…well, listen to this:" He cleared his throat.

"When The Destroyer comes,

He will wreak havoc,

Living up to his name,

Destroying everything in his path.

Even the most safe Haven will fall,

But for one thing.

When human and fairy admit love

For one another,

Then, and only then, will the Destroyer stop destroying,

Then will the spell be broken,

And few will remember what has transpired."

There was total silence for a moment. Then Root looked at Holly.

"Stop looking at me!" she told him. He looked away, but kept sneaking glances at her when he thought she wasn't watching. At last, she lost it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! STOP LOOKING AT ME!" she screamed and ran out of the room.

"What was that all about?" said Foaly, bewildered. So Root told him what had happened earlier. Foaly chuckled.

"Well," he said, grinning. "Somehow, I thought so."

**Fowl Manor**

Artemis sighed. He had just had another dream about that girl. And he was extremely confused, which was unusual for him. After all, he was a genius.

**LEP Headquarters, cafeteria**

Holly was sitting in the cafeteria, eating a scrappy LEP lunch, consisting of an apple, a cardboard container of juice, and a "meatball" sandwich with bread that was hard as a rock and unidentifiable glop inside. She wondered why she didn't just go over to Fern's Place. At least they had decent sandwiches.

"Meatballs my foot," she muttered. Then she groaned as she saw Foaly headed toward her. He sat down next to her.

"Well," he said, grinning. "How's your little sweetheart?"

He got no answer and tried again.

"Come on, Holly. Answer me. How is he?"

Still no answer.

"Or have you not told him you like him yet?"

Some people were starting to stare, and Holly lost it. She punched Foaly.

"Ouch!" he said, rubbing his arm. "What was that for?"

"Guess," she said sarcastically.

"Oh, come on, Holly. I was just teasing."

"Well, maybe I don't want to be teased about that!" she yelled, forgetting that there were any other people in the cafeteria. "Did you ever think about that? Huh?" Her voice was getting louder as she kept shouting. "MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE YOU BUGGING ME ABOUT THAT! SO WHAT IF I DO HAVE A CRUSH ON FOWL…"

She stopped abruptly as she realized the whole cafeteria had gone silent and was staring at her.

"Oops," she muttered. "Oh, no. Now, Foaly, I'll thank you to go away. You've done enough damage already." She tried to push him off the bench. He didn't budge. She picked up her lunch and stalked angrily out of the cafeteria, ignoring the whispers and giggles. Then she went to her office to finish eating, muttering something along the way that sounded very much like, "That darned, blasted, doofus, idiot, dummy, double-crossing centaur! Aaaargh!"


	2. Chapter 2: Remembering and Riots

_**Disclaimer: All characters, settings, etc. belong to Eoin Colfer…**_

**Chapter Two: Remembering and Riots**

**LEP Headquarters**

"Holly!" Foaly's voice rang out. "Holly, I have an update on the current mission."

Holly pointedly ignored him, as she had been for the last two days, ever since he'd made her lose her temper and admit in front of the whole cafeteria that she liked Artemis.

"Holly, come on. This is important. It's the whole future of our civilization at stake here."

Still no answer. Foaly sighed.

"Commander!" he called. "Holly is ignoring me again!"

Commander Root groaned and came over to them. "Captain Short. What did I tell you the last time?"

Holly remained silent, instead turning on him the most furious glare she could muster. Which was pretty furious, considering that she was livid about the whole situation.

"Captain Short!" he said, his face beginning to turn red. She rolled her eyes and said, in a tone highly resembling a frustrated teenager's, "You told me to cooperate."

"And?"

"And to talk to Foaly, because if I didn't, this "Destroyer" person would not be caught in time, and we'd probably die. Still…"

She was cut short by a furious commander. "YOU HAVE THE GALL, THE…IMPUDENCE TO JUST SIT THERE AND SAY 'STILL' WHEN OUR WHOLE RACE COULD BE DESTROYED! I AM YOUR COMMANDER, AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! YOU _WILL_ WORK WITH FOALY ON THIS, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! AND THAT'S FINAL!

Holly blew up right back at him. "OH YEAH! WELL, MAYBE IF YOU TOLD HIM NOT TO TEASE ME ABOUT…THAT, MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T TEASE ME ABOUT IT YOURSELF, THEN YOU MIGHT GET A LITTLE MORE COOPERATION! I CAN'T HELP IT! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

A slightly stunned silence greeted these words. Then Commander Root began to smile.

"Well," he said. "I have to admit, you have some gumption to be screaming in your commander's face. I ought to fire you. But, as much as I hate to say it, you're right. It isn't your fault, and we shouldn't be teasing you about it. I could order you to work with us no matter what, but I've decided to be generous, because of…ah…the present circumstances. So, let's make a deal. We won't tease you if you will work with us on this. Agreed?"

Holly sighed. It wasn't what she wanted, but…what else could she do? It was better than what had been going on before. "Agreed," she said, shaking Root's outstretched hand.

"Good," said the commander. "Now then…"

Foaly interrupted him. "But, Commander…"

"No buts," growled Root. "Now, let's get to work. What have we got so far?"

"Well," Foaly said. "I…"

He was interrupted by the lights going out. Except for a red glow from the window, there was just darkness. However, it wasn't by any means silent. There were screams from outside, and the sounds of running.

"What's that?" Holly said nervously. It sounded like…well, she wasn't sure what it sounded like, but whatever it was, it didn't sound good.

"I don't know," said Foaly. Commander Root was too busy giving orders to answer her.

"Nobody panic," he said loudly. "It might not be anything, and even if it is, we'll take care of it. Captain Kelp!"

"Yes, sir!" said Trouble's voice from in front of the commander. He must have found his way into the room when the lights went out in the first place.

"Take the Retrieval team and find out what's going on. Captain Short and myself will accompany you. Foaly, you will stay in the Ops Booth as usual."

"Okay, Julius," came Foaly's voice. Holly covered her ears to block out the yelling she knew was coming. She was not disappointed.

"DON'T CALL ME JULIUS, CIVILIAN!"

"Okay, sorry, Julius," said Foaly. You could hear the grin in his voice, even if you couldn't see it on his face. Holly had half a mind to smirk, and the other half told her to groan. She settled on smirking while groaning. No one would be able to see how weird it looked, anyway. Meanwhile, Root was still yelling at Foaly.

"DONKEY BOY, YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE THIS TIME! I WOULD FIRE YOU IF I COULD, BUT YOU'RE NEEDED RIGHT NOW, SO JUST SHUT THAT BIG MOUTH OF YOURS AND HELP US!"

"Okay, okay, _sorry_! Gee!"

"Thank you. Now then, let's get out there and see what's happening. Captain Short, are you still with me?"

"Yessir," said Holly.

"Good," Commander Root told her. Then Holly heard him move, and a second later, his voice came much closer to her ear, but much more quietly. "We can't lose you now, okay? Please try to control yourself, and don't do anything like you have been the past few days. I know it's hard, but we need you."

Holly was astonished. He had never done that before. Nevertheless, she tried to sound professional. "Yes, sir. Okay, sir."

"Right, then. Move 'em on out!"

They went outside. People were running all over the place, screaming. Commander Root's voice sounded in Holly's earpiece.

"Move toward the red glow! I repeat, move toward the red glow! Foaly, are you with us?"

"I certainly am," came the reply in all their ears.

"Good. What have you got for us?"

"Well, I…"

"You? You what?"

"I…er…"

"Spit it out, before I come and do the Heimlich Maneuver on you to get it out of you."

"I can't really find out anything about it. I'm afraid you're on your own, at least until you get closer."

"WHAT! AFTER ALL THE MONEY WE PUT INTO YOUR BUDGET…"

"We've been through this before," interrupted Holly. "Come on, Commander, let's just move on."

Root was speechless for a moment. "What… I should fire you for that. But, once again, you're right. Okay, move on." However, he couldn't resist muttering, "Next time, though, I will fire you." Holly made a face, then grinned. Then she frowned. He wouldn't do that…would he?

**The attic of Fowl Manor**

Meanwhile, Artemis was trying to find something he needed for his recent plot, which was to duplicate a rather expensive fountain, made by a famous sculptor, called "Fairies and Humans," and sell it to someone. He didn't usually mess with clay, but he had a recent fascination with things that had to do with fairies, and that was about the only thing available. Unknown to him, however, he was not going to find that, but instead he was going to find something which would cause a total recall of the People and all his adventures with them. He rummaged through boxes, looking for his mother's old pottery things. There was some really interesting stuff up there, and he wondered why he didn't come up more often. He came upon a cardboard box labeled, "Belongings of Artemis II," and curiously opened it. There were a few things in there, mostly old baby relics—blanket, teddy bear, bottles, etc.—but only one thing that intrigued him. A smaller box, thin and white. It was not labeled. He carefully peeked inside. There, on a cushion of cotton, was the medallion Holly had given him after they'd rescued his father from the Arctic. The real one, not the disc he had sprayed with gold leaf (which was currently still in Mulch's possession, since it had only been a year since the mind wipe). Seeing it brought back memories. Literally. Artemis looked at it for a second, then suddenly pain crossed his face for an instant. He remembered. Everything. Holly, Commander Root, Foaly, the Arctic, Mulch, Cudgeon, Opal, the kidnapping, the goblins, the C Cube, Spiro—everything. It was a strange feeling, suddenly having all those memories wash over him, each clamoring for attention, for reflection, for…just remembering. But the thing he remembered most was not an old memory, it was the dreams he had been having lately. Now he knew where he had met Holly, but there was no question that he liked her. He had known that soon after he had begun having the dreams, before he remembered anything about her besides what she looked like and her name. _Well_, he thought. _I had better go tell Butler_.

**Outside LEP Headquarters, Haven, heading toward the red glow**

They were still trying to find out what was going on. The only way of doing that now appeared to be going up to look at the glow, so that was what they were doing. It appeared to be coming from a "skyscraper," although technically there weren't any skyscrapers underground because you couldn't see the sky. They were still called skyscrapers, though.

"Keep going," ordered Commander Root unnecessarily for about the millionth time. They were still walking and hadn't slowed, but Holly decided not to comment. He had said he'd fire her, and…well, you couldn't be too careful.

They finally got to the glow…or, more precisely, the crowd outside it. Root shouldered his way through the people, turning his badge side to side so everyone who objected could see it, although not much of anyone was paying attention.

"Come on, let me through, I'm Commander Root of the LEP, no, let my team in too, Retrieval One, come on…" he said, until at last they got to the front and could see what was going on. Holly took one look and gasped in surprise and horror.

It was a fire.


	3. Chapter 3: Meetings and Messages

**Disclaimer: Sorry if I didn't remember it before. Eoin Colfer owns Haven, Phonetix and the Spiro Needle, all the characters except the Destroyer, etc.**

**On to chapter 3! BANZAI!**

**Chapter 3: Meetings and Messages**

**The kitchen of Fowl Manor**

"…and, well…that's what happened," Artemis finished, a bit lamely. He was explaining to Butler all the details of their adventures with the fairies. Butler looked at him for a moment, then closed his eyes and nodded slowly.

"Yes. I remember now."

"Good," said Artemis. "Then would you please try to give Juliet her memories back as well?"

"Yes…is there any other way to do it? That took a long time."

Artemis thought for a moment. "You could try showing her pictures of the Spiro Needle and the Phonetix buildings. Also, we can attempt to get hold of Mulch Diggums and get him to give us back that disk. That would help as well."

"That should do it. Anything else you want me to do?"

"No, that's it. Meanwhile, I have some business to attend to myself."

Butler nodded and rose from the table. "Then let's go." They walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs, then parted ways, Butler going left toward the study and Artemis going right, in the direction of his room.

**Haven City, outside the flaming skyscraper**

Holly was in shock. Things like this never happened in Haven. They just…didn't. The worst case in history had been back a few thousand years, when some insane sprite had decided to try and take over the city. He had started a sort of underground earthquake, and it had been up to the LEP to make sure everyone came out of it alive. They did, and eventually the weirdo had been stopped. But this…there had never been a fire like this in Haven. Water coolers were all over, and if there was fire, they would automatically open up and douse the flames. But the water coolers in this building were obviously not working, because the whole building was being consumed.

Holly was interrupted from her reverie by more screaming. People were suddenly pointing up to the top of the building. Holly squinted at the building. There, on the very top, was a figure, silhouetted against the ever-changing light of the fire. Holly frowned. She could see wings, so why didn't whoever that was get down? Elsewhere in the mob, others were expressing the same opinions. Fingers were pointing, and whispers were flying.

"Why doesn't whoever that is get down?"

"They'll burn!"

"Somebody go help them!"

"They do have wings. There must be some reason for it."

"Maybe it's suicide."

The crowd continued to buzz. Holly said nothing. _ Hmmm_, she thought. _Why would anyone, especially someone with wings, possibly stay up there? Is it willful? Maybe they can't get down for some reason..._

Suddenly the people went silent. There was no noise except for the crackling of flames. Then someone spoke. It took Holly a moment to realize that the voice came from the person on top of the building.

"Behold! I am the Destroyer! Many years ago, I was cast out, and now I will wreak my revenge! I will destroy, and Haven will fall! Then, and only then, will I stop destroying! I am the Destroyer, and I will destroy Haven!"

With a maniacal laugh, the Destroyer flew off the building and away.

**Artemis' bedroom, Fowl Manor**

When Artemis got to his room, he sat for a minute on his bed, collecting his wits and thinking. Before the fairies had mind-wiped him, he had stolen one of their communicators, and hidden it somewhere where he hoped even Foaly's sensors could not pick it up. It had worked, and the only question now was to remember where he'd hidden it. Artemis frowned. He only had flashes of it…it seemed like wood…but it was white…white wood…he laid back on his bed, turned his head and stared at the wall, as if it could tell him the answer—he suddenly sat upright. The wall! That was it! He bounced up off the bed, ignoring the fact that this was undignified behavior for a genius, and went to his computer desk.

Among other things on top of the desk, there was a small box that held an ink cartridge for the printer—or so the label said. However, when Artemis had used the cartridge, the box had been transformed into the home of a key. He pulled this key out of the box and used it to unlock the cupboard. Then he put the key back in the box and pulled out the extensive amount of technology he had stored in there. He put his hands into the back and felt around for a moment, then pulled out the false back of the cupboard. There was a button under there, which he pressed. After carefully replacing the odds, ends, and computer parts, he looked at the windowsill. Sure enough, a panel had opened there, which contained a lever. This he pulled. It opened another niche in a blade of the ceiling fan. He depressed the small button hidden in it, and the wall panel slid back. Inside a small recess was the communicator. Artemis smirked and pulled it out.

After contemplating a moment, he reached into the space behind the panel and pulled out a small slip of paper. There was a sequence of numbers on it. This he put into the communicator's touch keyboard. The screen went a bright green. Artemis shook his head, amused. It was always green with the LEP. After a moment, the face of a certain female Recon officer appeared on the small device.

Artemis was suddenly at a loss for words, so he waited to see what Holly would say. All that was forthcoming, however, was, "This is Captain Holly Short, but I'm not here right now. Please try again at—" Then a computer's metallic voice said calmly, "Ten o'clock p.m. or seven o'clock a.m."

Artemis sighed. He looked at the clock, then frowned. It was ten-thirty. She should be home already. _Oh, well, _he reasoned. _She is an LEP officer. She's probably just gotten an unexpected assignment. I'll wait a little while and try again._ So he settled down to wait, pulling his laptop from its space on his desk and switching it on.

Holly, Root, and the Retrieval team had gone back to the LEP building and were now in the conference room with Foaly, discussing what had just happened.

"Well…at least we know what the prophecy is about now," said Root.

"Not exactly," Foaly corrected him. "That is…we haven't really learned anything new. What we know for sure, we knew before—that is, about the Destroyer. And as for the other part…" He shot a glance at Holly, who glared back. "We can only suspect."

The hours passed. The clock ticked on, and every half hour Artemis tried Holly again. Each time he got the same response: "This is Captain Holly Short, but I'm not here right now…" Eleven, eleven thirty, midnight, twelve thirty… At one o'clock, Artemis gave up waiting. With unusual haste for him, he pulled his suit jacket on. Going over to the closet, he grabbed his laptop case and a light coat to go over the suit, just in case. He crossed back over to his desk and stuffed the laptop into its case, then into a duffel bag, which he kept in the gigantic wardrobe his mother had insisted on putting in his room. At least the large piece of furniture was good for _something_ besides looking pretty and taking up space, he reflected as he put the coat into the bag as well. After thinking a second, he put the communicator in, then zipped the bag up, slung it over his shoulder, and raced downstairs. He didn't have to worry about being quiet, as his parents had gone to America for a few weeks, and he needed to wake the Butlers anyway. He knew they would hear him. After all, they were trained to wake at any unusual noise.

Sure enough, by the time he got to the kitchen, Butler was there. Actually, in the dark, Artemis bumped into him.

"Who is it? Show yourself!" said the bodyguard, poking the boy with something cold and hard.

Grinning a little in spite of himself, Artemis raised his arms, just in case. Butler flipped on the light, then whirled around.

Slightly enjoying the expression of shock on Butler's face, Artemis said calmly, "Good response, Butler."

Looking sheepish, the bodyguard pulled the gun away from his charge's ribs. "You shouldn't go sneaking around at night like that, Artemis. It's dangerous."

"Nothing's dangerous with you around," said Artemis, almost laughing.

"I'm flattered," said Butler dryly. "But don't be ridiculous. I could have shot you then and there."

Artemis shrugged. "Highly unlikely. A good bodyguard doesn't shoot someone until they know who the person is and what they're doing. And you are definitely a good bodyguard."

"Again, I'm flattered. But why are you fully dressed and carrying a duffel bag?"

Artemis looked grim. "Wake Juliet, please."

Butler started to go, then stopped and looked at the boy inquisitively. Artemis waited a moment, then sighed. "We're going on what I believe to be a rescue mission."

"At one o'clock in the morning?"

"Yes."

Butler said no more, but ran out of the kitchen. A moment later he returned, with a heavy-eyed Juliet in tow.

She yawned widely and stumbled after her brother, who stopped in front of Artemis, waiting for a command. Obediently, Juliet did the same.

"Come on," said Artemis, without any pause. He walked quickly to the door and yanked it open. The siblings followed.

Juliet's eyes popped wide open when they got into the chilly night air. After a moment she said confusedly, "What are we doing?"

By this time, Artemis had gotten to the car. With one hand on the door handle, he turned to face the bewildered girl.

"We're going to Haven," he said, and climbed in.

**A/N: Hope you liked it. Click the lovely blue button to your left and get a free virtual treat! You pick what kind!**


	4. Chapter 4: Romance and Research

**Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, blah blah yakkety schmakkety, you know the drill…**

**OHMYGOSH! I'm SOOOOOOOO sorry this wasn't updated fast! I've been being bugged about it for a while, and I know I'm way later than people want…sorry! Really! Don't hurt me! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! (runs away)**

**Oh, also the chapter is a bit short, but I figured it was better to post what I had than to be murdered before I could continue…**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Romance and Research**

**LEP Building; Ops Booth**

They weren't having much luck. They were researching like mad, hoping for some clue as to the Destroyer's identity or whereabouts. But they were finding nothing.

Foaly sat at his computer, typing furiously. Trouble was spinning listlessly in an extra swivel chair. Root was pacing up and down the room. Various officers were rushing in and out of the room with messages from other parts of the building, and Holly had gone on a bathroom break fifteen minutes before and not returned.

"Have we got anything _yet_, Foaly?" said Root. His patience was being stressed to the limit, but he was still barely holding on to his temper.

"No, Julius. Nothing yet."

"_Don't_ call me Julius, donkey! I might hurt you if you do."

"Whatever," said Foaly, and went back to typing.

Holly ran in, panting. "S-s-sorry, Commander," she gasped, bending over and clutching her knees. "The line for the bathroom stretched from there to the cafeteria."

Normally the commander could have let this go with no more than a minor scolding. But now, the news only made him angrier because it meant that there weren't very many officers researching. Holly saw the look in his eyes that meant he was about to yell, and, almost without thinking about it, did something she had learned in the Academy (although not for that purpose). She rolled her eyes backwards in her head and fell to the ground. To all appearances, she had fainted. Well, to Root's eyes, anyway. Everyone else recognized the maneuver and struggled to hide their laughter. The commander, on the other hand, was quite distressed.

"Oh, no," he moaned. "One of our best officers, out for the count. Well, I suppose it can't be helped. Trouble, take her to a spare room," he ordered.

"Yessir," said Trouble, straightening his face. He picked the 'unconscious' Holly up and carried her out of the Ops Booth.

As soon as they were safely out of the booth, Holly slitted an eye open and peered at Trouble.

"Am I clear?" she whispered. He nodded and grinned, then put her down.

"Ugh…thanks," she said. "I thought I was a goner that time."

Trouble grinned. "We'd better go to a spare room just in case," he said. She nodded and led the way to a small room with a tiny cot in it. The LEP had these rooms for times like these, when officers needed medical help, or for times when people needed to stay for several days and had to survive on little sleep.

At the door, she turned. "You'd better get back to Ops," she said. "And I'd better get away. Seeya!" She ran back the way they had just come. Trouble waited a moment, then sauntered lazily that way too.

As Holly approached the Ops Booth, she frowned. She should have gone the other way. What if Root saw her going past? Or if he saw her just standing here…

She quickly ducked down and hid behind a large potted plant, peering through the glass of the Ops Booth. To her relief, it was not until a moment later that the commander turned and walked down the length of the room towards her.

She waited until he had turned again, then gave a cautious glance to her right and left, stood up, and sprinted down the corridor past Ops. A moment later, she ran into someone. The impact was such that she fell backwards.

"Sorry," she grunted, getting up—and then stared. She was considerably shorter than the person she had bumped into. Looking up, she looked into the face of none other than Artemis Fowl.

Her jaw dropped, and she stood there for several seconds before regaining herself. "What in Frond's name are _you_ doing here, Mud Boy?" she hissed. "Not to mention how you got your memories back?"

He looked at her with that infuriatingly blank expression. "I will explain at a more appropriate time. Right now, I suggest we make ourselves scarce, before the commander finds us."

She was about to yell at him when she realized that he was right. She sighed. "Okay. Come this way." She noticed Butler and Juliet standing behind him. "And bring them too." With that, she raced down the corridor and out the main doors. All three humans followed.

"So," she panted to Artemis as they dodged people and objects in the busy streets of Haven. "You were spying on me."

"I…well, how could I help it? I assumed you must be in danger, since you weren't answering your communicator at the time it said you wouldn't be busy."

"_What?_ Mud Boy, I could have just been out on any ordinary mission! You can't just come down to Haven looking for me when I don't answer a communicator!"

"I waited hours, and called once every half hour. Five times, Holly. I called _five times_. Somehow after that, I doubted that you were on any normal mission."

"How did you get hold of my communicator number anyway? Much less a communicator to call me on," she said, squinting at him suspiciously.

"It's a long story."

"Well…anyway, the fact remains that you _were_ spying on me.

"Yes," he admitted. "That fainting technique was interesting."

"You slimy little Mud Boy! You saw the whole thing then." She wasn't sure why, but for some reason her cheeks heated up when she thought of him watching Trouble carry her out of the office. She was determined not to show her embarrassment, though. Or the fact that she…_Don't even think it. Don't even._

"Yes, I saw the entire episode," Artemis said calmly as they reached her apartment. Holly stewed as she unlocked the door, then held it open for them. "Well, go in," she said impatiently. The humans went in, Butler in the lead, and Artemis last. She came behind him. When she was safely inside, she slammed the door, went over to the couch, and plopped herself down on it.

"Mud Boy, you've got some 'splainin to do," she said. (**A/N: This is for people who have seen "I Love Lucy". If you haven't, go watch it. Now.)**

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "'Splainin?"

"Yes, 'splainin. You know…" she said as he still looked confused. 'Lucy, you got some 'splainin to do!'"

"_Lucy?_" he said, raising his eyebrow even further.

She sighed. "Oh, it's from one of your old Mud Man TV shows. "I Love Lucy", I think it's called."

"Ah. Human television. And might I ask how you were watching it?"

"Er…" she said, embarrassed. "Foaly likes it." She didn't want to admit that she quite enjoyed it too.

"I see," said Artemis, but he didn't sound convinced.

"So," Holly said. "'Splain."

The boy sighed. "All right, I—" he began.

Holly interrupted him. "Oh, sit _down_! I can't talk to you when you're way up there."

Looking somewhat amused, Artemis sat next to her on the couch. "Well, then. I'll explain. But first I'd like to make an experiment."

"What kind of experiment?" she asked, looking suspicious.

He grinned. "I want to know what happens…if I do this," he said, and before she could do anything, he leaned forward and kissed her.

After a moment, he pulled away gently. She stared at him, her eyes wide. Then she recovered herself. "Mud Boy, do you know what I'm going to do to you if you _ever_ tell anyone about this?"

Artemis smiled. "No, I dun't." (**A/N: Another "I Love Lucy" joke. If you haven't seen it, you really should. It's hysterical!)**

Holly sighed. "Well…I _could_ yell at you in Spanish."

The Mud Boy moaned and put his head in his hand. "Ei-yi-yi-yi-yi," he said, in perfect imitation of Ricky. Both grinned.

They were silent for a moment. Then Artemis said, "So, Holly…you never answered my question."

"What question?"

"Well...do you know how human scientists do experiments?"

"Probably the way we do them," she said, frowning.

"When we do experiments, we have what we call a problem question. Then we make a hypothesis, or a guess as to the answer to the question. Then we take data, and from the data, we get a conclusion, or the correct answer to the problem question."

"Yes, I know that. Foaly's explained that to me way too many times. So what?" she asked.

He looked at her closely. "Well, since all the data for this experiment would be inside your head, I must ask you to provide me with a conclusion. The question was as stated earlier."

"I…but...well…nothing really happened," she lied. "You…just kissed me, is all."

"Then why are you stammering? And why did you stare at me like I was some sort of circus freak before?"

"Well…you _kissed_ me. A Mud Boy kissed a fairy. And," she added, smiling a little ruefully, "a fairy who's punched that Mud Boy several times, as well as yelled at him a whole lot. What do you expect?"

"All right then," he said, not looking convinced. "So…" He pulled out a notebook and spoke as he wrote. "No reaction but surprise."

Holly stared at him. "You _cannot_ be serious."

"What can't I be serious about?" he asked calmly, putting the notebook away.

"You…you have the _nerve_ to do an experiment on _me_."

"Why not? You're the first person I've had the opportunity to do it on."

"Tell me, do you look at all girls as scientific experiments?"

"If they merit it."

Holly rolled her eyes and turned away. After a moment Artemis grinned and took the notebook out again, then held it up in front of her at the page he'd written on. In Gnommish, it said 'Just kidding.'

Holly turned on Artemis furiously. "What—why—" she sputtered.

She was interrupted by the communicator ringing. She sprang up to answer it. "Hello?"

"Hey…Holly? Listen, this is Trouble. Well, of course it is, but... Anyway, you'd better get back here. Beetroot wants me to check on you, and I think it's time you 'woke up.'

"Good point," said Artemis from the couch. Holly turned around, glared, and put her finger over her lips, but it was too late.

"What—who's that?" asked Trouble.

There was a pause as Holly tried to think what to say. Then suddenly the male elf said slowly, "Holly. I know that voice. But…that isn't…"

"Who? Who do you think it is?" asked Holly, playing innocent in a last, desperate hope to avoid the storm she just _knew_ was coming if Trouble found out.

"Don't play dumb with me, Holly. But just to make it all clear…is that or is it not Fowl?"

"Ummm…maybe?"

Trouble groaned. "_How_, Holly? How did he get there? And what is he _doing_ there? As well as his Mud Man cronies, I would assume."

"Yes, Butler and Juliet are here too. As to how he got to Haven, I have no idea. I was trying to make him explain it to me, but since I was hiding from the commander I brought them here to explain."

"Oh. What are you going to do with them while you work?"

"I don't know. I guess I'll have to bring them."

"But Beetroot will kill you!"

"Hey, it's not _my_ fault they're down here."

"True. Okay, then. See you soon."

"Bye," she said, and hung up.

She turned to Artemis. "You heard us.All of youare coming. Get moving." With that, she went out the door.

* * *

**LEP Building; Spare Room**

"Okay, come on, Holly," said Trouble. He didn't say a thing to the humans, but they followed him anyway.

A few feet away from the Ops Booth, just out of view from inside, they stopped. "You three wait here," said Holly. "Or else."

Artemis grinned. "Don't even think about it," said Holly. "If you _dare_ to come in before I call for you…" She didn't finish the threat, instead preferring to go inside. Trouble followed.

Root looked up as they came in. "Oh, good. You're awake. Are you okay?"

"Yes, Commander, I'm fine."

"Good. Then get to work," said Root, and went back to pacing.

Holly hesitated. "Sir?"

He looked up again. "_What_, Captain?"

"Um…we…have guests, sir."

"What do you mean?"

"Trouble and I ran into them on our way back."

"Ran into who?" he said, looking confused.

"Uh…you…aren't going to like this."

"Well, whatever it is, it's better than your beating around the bush like this." He chuckled. "Unless it's Fowl, of course. In that case you can beat around the bush forever. But I'd like to see that happen."

"Actually…" she said, now fidgeting nervously.

Root immediately grew suspicious. "Actually what?"

Instead of answering, Holly stuck her head out of the booth. "Come on in."

Obediently, Artemis, Butler, and Juliet came in.

Root stared and rubbed his eyes. "_Please_ tell me I fell asleep while researching and am having a dream."

"Sorry, Commander. No can do."

"All right," he said, with a sigh. "How did Fowl get here?"

"I don't know, sir. I've been trying to wheedle it out of him, but he hasn't told me yet."

Artemis looked at her. "There's a reason for that, you know."

She looked back, indignant. "So you were just trying to avoid telling me when you—" She stopped with a gasp.

"When he what?" Root wanted to know.

"Um…never mind. Long story," said Holly quietly.

"You'll tell me later, Captain. Meanwhile…Fowl, why don't you tell us how and why you're here?"

"I suppose," said Artemis. "But just for your knowledge, Captain Short, I was not just trying to avoid telling you. I had other reasons." Root looked from one to the other curiously, but neither offered a comment on the subject, and Artemis continued. "All right. Here is what happened. I called Holly on the communicator—"

"Start from the beginning, Mud Boy!" the commander interrupted. "How did you get your memories back in the first place?"

"Well, Commander..." Artemis paused. This had to be done delicately, so that if they decided to mindwipe him again, he could use approximately the same solution. "You remember the medallion I gave Mulch."

"Yes, Fowl. Go on."

"It was a fake. The other day, I was looking for my mother's old pottery supplies in the attic, and I found the real medallion, which restored my memories."

"Why were you looking for pottery supplies?" asked Root.

"I was going to attempt to copy a fountain sculpture and sell it."

"Oh. Keep going. Why are you here?"

Artemis sighed. "After I recovered all my memories, I also remembered that I had hidden a communicator where I was fairly sure Foaly's detectors couldn't find it. I had been correct, and I got the communicator out and tried to contact Holly. She wasn't there, and it was a half-hour past the time she had said she would be available."

"So you came down to Haven to find Holly? She could have been on any normal mission."

"She already explained that to me, although I didn't need it explained. I knew that. But after waiting two and a half hours and calling five times, I had my doubts that she was on a normal mission. So I came down here to find her."

"How?"

"Butler drove us," said the boy calmly.

"But how did you know where to go?" The commander was getting angry now.

Artemis looked at him blankly. "Perhaps you have forgotten, Commander, that I am a genius."

Everyone tensed for the oncoming explosion. Well, everyone except Artemis.

Strangely enough, the explosion didn't come. Root looked over at Holly and just watched her for a moment. Then he looked at Artemis.

"Right," he said shortly. "You can stay for a while if you help us with the present mission."

"Of course, Commander."

Holly gaped at Root. "Sir? He can—can _stay?_"

"Yes, Captain. I have given him permission to stay."

"I...um...oh," said Holly, looking confused.

"Right. Everyone is dismissed," said Root. "_Except_ Captain Short," he added, as she turned to leave.

When everyone had gone, he looked at her. "Now, Captain. First of all, what did Fowl do to avoid telling you about his memories?"

"N-nothing, sir."

"Don't lie to me, Holly. You said he did something. What was it?"

"I…" She looked up desperately and met his eyes. He seemed to read the answer in them.

"It wasn't anything to do with…what you admitted to me a few days ago, was it?"

"Um…"

Root sighed. "All right, Captain. You don't have to tell me then. That's personal."

At this, she looked at him gratefully. "Thank you so m…"

He interrupted her gruffly. "Don't worry about it. Now, the other thing is…well, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to be able to work with him around?"

"Oh, yes. At least…I hope so. I mean…it's not…I don't know."

"I thought maybe he might help. Besides, it would be hard for you, wouldn't it, if he came down here and we sent him away again?"

"Um…probably."

"Right. Captain, you're dismissed."

* * *

**A/N: Like I said, it's short, I know. Sorry, and I'll try to do better updating next time. I may be having a slight case of writer's block, though, so…I dunno…**

**Anywho, as always, review and get a nice virtual treat! And thanks to many reviewers, especially:**

**Annie-morphs**

**Rakasha Shadowfang**

**refloc**

**1st female LEPrecon**

**By Grace Alone**

**Zandreda DragonLove**

**FOWLWEASLEYBAUDELAIREHECKYES (did I get the name right? I hope so, it's too long to see all of it on the review…)**

**Linxzie**

**And thanks and apologies to anyone I have forgotten…**

**Anywho BANZAI!**


	5. Chapter 5: Arguments and Accidents

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters…why do I get the feeling that I've said this before?**

**Aelish: Because you have. Every single chapter.**

**Me: Aelish! What are you doing here?  
**

**Aelish: (evil grin) Getting ready to wreak romantic havoc in the next chapter.**

**Me: Oh no! Not this one too! (notices everyone staring) Um, right. Everyone, this is Aelish, my evil Cupid twin. Aelish, my readers.**

**Aelish: (keeps grinning) I already know them.**

**Me: (groans) Please, not this chapter too! (to readers) Aelish writes all the romantic…well, accidents in my fics. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be in so much trouble with Holly and Artemis.**

**Holly: (comes in) Too right you are!**

**Me: Help! Not you too! I can't help it, I told you!**

**Holly: Do I care? (pulls out buzz baton)**

**Me: Can we PLEASE just get on with the chapter?**

**Holly: Muahaha! (runs toward me)**

**Me: AAAAAAHHHHH! (runs away) Here'sthechapterIhopeyoupeoplearehappy!**

**Aelish: (with full mouth) Anyone want some popcorn?**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Arguments and Accidents**

**LEP Headquarters**

After a short break, everyone congregated in the Ops Booth again to do some more research. Holly secretly thought that with Artemis there, everything was likely to go much faster, but as it turned out, not much of anything got done.

It started with Holly and Artemis having a fight. As usual.

Artemis was sitting at the computer, fingers flying across the keyboard. Butler and Juliet were talking quietly in the corner. Trouble had gone back to the swivel chair, Foaly was at the other computer, and Root and Holly were both pacing. Unfortunately, they were pacing in opposite directions, so that they always met in the middle of the room. The commander found this extremely annoying.

"Captain Short!" he growled the twelfth time it happened. "Will you _please_ stop pacing?"

"Why don't you stop?" she returned. "You could stop just as well as I could."

"But I was pacing first!"

"So what?"

"So I was pacing first!"

"So?"

"So, I get to choose what happens. And I think you should either stop or pace the same way I'm pacing, because if we're both pacing the same way, the pacing won't drive me up the wall like it's doing now!"

"Well, I think it doesn't matter who was pacing first!"

"Well, _I_ think…"

"_I _think," interjected Artemis, "That you should both be quiet so I can concentrate!"

"Who asked you, Mud Boy?" said Holly angrily.

"Does it matter who asked me? The last time I checked, I didn't have to be asked to enter into a conversation!"

Holly snorted. "When was the last time you checked, a century ago?"

"Need I remind you once again that I was not alive a century ago?"

"Funny. You call yourself a genius, and yet you can't tell that that was an expression."

"It doesn't matter!"

"Oh, yes it does. I…" She continued to rail on at him about how it _did_ matter, how he was an idiot, that it was a good thing that he wasn't alive a century ago because she would have killed him way before this, how he was an idiot, the terrible ways he should be dying (including guns, knives, broken crystal chandeliers, and cheese), and how he was an idiot. Eventually her tirade got too long for him, and he started talking over her, telling her to be quiet so he could concentrate. Then Root started yelling at Foaly about how they hadn't found anything useful yet, and Juliet started yelling at Root for yelling at Foaly, and Grub came in, which he and Trouble seemed to take as a cue for having a fight of their own. All in all, it was entirely excusable that Butler finally snapped.

"QUIET!" he bellowed, so loudly that an extra keyboard and a few other spare parts fell off a counter and smashed. Needless to say, there was quiet, except for Foaly's whimpering about his computer parts.

"Thank you," said Butler. "Now, can we please get back to the research? It's entirely too loud in here. I can't hear myself think!"

"Why do you care whether our research is done or not?" asked Root, sounding sulky. "It's our home that's going to be destroyed, isn't it?"

"Yes, but somehow I don't think you want it to be. So let's _please_ stop wasting time and get to work!"

Artemis sighed. "You're right, old friend." He went back to the computer, and everyone else went back to what they had been doing before, except Holly, who went to read over Artemis's shoulder.

After a little while, he turned around. "Holly, will you please not read over my shoulder? I find that extremely annoying."

"That's what I'm here for," she said, grinning a little.

Normally Artemis would have argued, but this time he just let it go and turned back to the computer. After a moment, though, he looked at Holly again.

"Oh, don't let me keep you from your work," she told him.

"I just have a question. What did the commander want?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb, Holly. He wanted to know what I did, didn't he? That you said was to avoid telling you how I got my memories back."

She sighed. "Yes."

"Did you tell him?"

"Umm…no…he sort of figured it out. Kind of. I'm not sure how much, though. He just knew it was…er…that general type of thing."

"Hmm," said Artemis thoughtfully. "He figured it out, did he?"

"Yes." She now looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Listen, can we talk about something else?"

"Actually, I should probably get back to this," he said, gesturing at the computer. "I just wanted to know." He began typing furiously again.

A long time passed, during which the only noises were those of keys clacking away and the _squeak, squeak_ of Trouble's swivel chair.

Finally, Artemis said, "Commander?"

"What?" demanded Root, stopping his steady tramping up and down the room in order to look intently at Artemis. "Did you find something?"

"Well…no," said the boy. "But that's the problem. You see, there is nothing. You have nothing whatsoever about this Destroyer in any of your files. We need to look elsewhere."

"What!" the commander howled. "All that work? _Nothing!_"

"Nothing," said Artemis calmly.

There were good odds that Root's heart would have popped had not they heard a noise from outside that distracted all of them completely.

An earth-shattering _BOOM!_ hailed them from out the window. More of Foaly's computer equipment fell from atop a cupboard, and he moaned, hurrying towards it.

"No, donkey!" cried Root. "Leave the technology! We've got no time! Get to your station at the computer! The rest of you, come with me." With that, he ran out the door.

The loud noises continued as the group ran, so they were quite easy to track. Unfortunately, they weren't as easy to get to, as they kept moving further away.

They caught up with the noise just as another _BOOM_ split the air. This time, now they could see it, a large explosion accompanied it. People around them screamed, and rubble flew in all directions, knocking several people down, including Holly. Artemis, who was behind her, caught her quickly, and stared down at her for a moment before realizing what that must look like. Hurriedly, he set her on her feet again.

"Are you all right, Captain?" demanded Root.

"Fine," she mumbled, blushing and glaring at Artemis.

Suddenly Butler gave a cry and pointed to a dark shape in the air. "Look! Is that your Destroyer?"

Everyone's eyes followed the bodyguard's finger. "I think so," said the commander. "Come on!" The group ran to catch up to the figure, which was swooping away now.

They ran after it for some distance. Just as they got under it, however, Juliet gasped. "Everyone move!" she shrieked. "Now!"

"Why?" inquired Foaly over the com set. "What's going on?"

"_Do it!_" she snarled, shoving Root out of the way. Butler grabbed Artemis and Holly and practically threw them, followed by Trouble. Then he and his sister ran for it, urging the others on in front of them.

They had barely gotten out of sight range of the figure when another _BOOM!_ sounded, much louder and nearer than most of the other ones. Debris flew towards them, and they ducked as it rained down on them.

There was relative silence for a moment after the explosion was over. Then Root sighed. "Thank you, I suppose," he told the siblings grudgingly, straightening up. Everyone else got to their feet as well, except Artemis. He was lying on the ground with his eyes closed.

Looking worried, Holly bent over him. Everyone else crowded around, and the elf poked him tentatively.

"Artemis?" she asked. Nothing happened. She put her hand on his forehead and sent a pulse of magic down her fingers.

This worked. Surprised, the boy sat up, and his face bumped against hers, since she was still leaning over him. For the briefest second, their lips touched. Holly quickly moved out of the way, blushing even more than before. Even Artemis had a slight pink tinge in his cheeks.

Butler and Root exchanged grins, enmity forgotten. Juliet snorted and clapped her hands over her mouth to stop her giggles. Trouble raised his eyebrows, looking highly amused, and everyone heard Foaly's laughter over the com set.

Holly glared at them all. "Let's go," she said furiously, getting up and stomping off. After a moment, the others followed.

No matter how hard they looked, they couldn't find the mysterious figure. By unspoken consent, however, they agreed that it must have been the Destroyer.

At last they gave up and trooped back to the LEP building. On the way there, however, something valuable finally happened.

The party had just passed another explosion site when Trouble suddenly stopped and bent down. He came up with a scrap of paper in his hand.

"What's that?" asked Root, looking over Trouble's shoulder. " 'The Green Desert'," he read.

"Hmm…" said Holly thoughtfully. "Do you think this could have been the Destroyer's? Could he or she be going to the Green Desert next?"

"Maybe," said Root thoughtfully.

"Where exactly is this Green Desert?" asked Artemis.

"It's not all that far away from Haven," Foaly said over the com set. "It's called the Green Desert because it hardly ever rains there, but things grow anyway."

"I see. Well, I suggest we go there, since we have no other leads."

"That's a good idea," agreed Butler. "Which way?"

Root pointed, and they started walking.

"There has _got_ to be a better way to do this," grumbled Holly. They had been walking for some time, and still hadn't found any sign of the Destroyer.

"Well, we could always petition the Council to let the humans use wings," suggested Foaly.

"And you didn't mention this before because…?" asked Root, beginning to turn red.

You could almost hear the shrug in Foaly's voice. "I didn't think they'd say yes."

"But you could have suggested it before!" Holly protested. The commander looked as if he'd like to strangle Foaly.

The centaur in question sighed. "Whatever. I'll ask them." Everyone heard the tapping of keys, and then silence.

Finally there was a beep, and then the clicking of a mouse. "Okay," said Foaly. "I'm playing back the message."

"No, no, absolutely not," said a voice which sounded as though it belonged to Cahartez. "Not for whatever reas…"

This was interrupted by a rather sarcastic-sounding female voice. "Excuse me, Chairman, but I believe we decided the answer was yes?"

"Vinyaya! I am dealing with it…"

"You don't need to deal with it, especially since you are giving them the wrong answ…"

"I can do it! I—ack!"

There was silence for a moment, and then Vinyaya's voice said, sounding as though she were grinning, "The answer is yes." A click followed, then silence.

"That's our Vinyaya," said Root after a moment, at which there was a noise over the com set that sounded rather like a snort.

"Well, then," said Holly after a moment, "we'd better head back to Ops and grab spare wings for the Mud Men." She sighed and trudged off in the opposite direction from the one they had been going in. The others followed.

When they got back to Ops, Foaly was waiting for them with three spare pairs of wings.

"Here you go," he said, and handed them to Holly.

She examined them. "These are Dragonflies!"

"I was wondering if you would notice," Foaly said, grinning, and pulled open a cupboard, explaining over his shoulder as he rummaged, "The Hummingbirds are in here."

Root looked at him. "Why did you try to trick us?"

The centaur shrugged. "Being under stress gives you a strange sense of humor, I suppose." He pulled out the Hummingbirds and gave one to each human. Artemis immediately began studying his, and Foaly sighed. "I knew you would do that. I knew I shouldn't have given them to you. Now you'll probably try to sell them on the surface."

At this, the boy looked up and grinned a little. "No I won't. I just want to know how they work. I give you my word," he added when Foaly looked incredulous. "You won't hear anything of them on the surface. And the word of a Fowl is always kept."

"Hmph," said Foaly, but said no more on the subject.

* * *

**A/N: (panting) I'm back! Umm…anywho, hope you liked it! Review and all that jazz. Thanks to…**

**Aelish: Hi!**

**Me: Oh NO! Go AWAY!**

**Holly: AIAIAIAIAIIAIII! (runs in waving buzz baton)**

**Me: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! LaterguysthankstoallmyreviewersandI'llputyournamesuplaterwhenI'mnotrunningformylife!**

**Aelish: Oh darn, I'm out of popcorn. (wanders away to get more)**

* * *

**Uh, okay. So just for kicks, here's a sneak peek of my new fanfic, Of Chaos, Escape Plans, and Telepathic Communication. For a summary, see my bio.**

* * *

Bridget got to the Academy first. It was a brand-new building, and very large. Her blue eyes sparkled as she looked at it. _This should be fun, _she thought. _I wonder what kind of other people will be there._

Her question was answered soon enough. A taxi pulled up, and three children, two girls and a boy, got out.

"Now," said a man's voice, "be sure to…" He was interrupted by a fit of coughing. When he'd regained his breath, he said, "As I was saying, be sure to try to stay out of trouble this time."

"Okay," said the older girl. She looked a little older than Bridget.

"And have fun!" the man called back as the taxi drove away.

"Have fun?" said the boy. He was the middle child, and was probably about Bridget's own age. He sounded sarcastic. "Yes, of course we'll have fun. With an evil man chasing us, trying to get our fortune that we won't get until you're eighteen anyway, we'll _really_ have fun here. Probably it'll end up being like Prufock Prep."

Bridget frowned. Where had she heard that name before?

"Quagmire," said the youngest girl, only a baby. Bridget wondered vaguely what a baby was doing at an academy, then switched her attention to the oldest girl, who was talking again.

"You're right, Sunny. But we should discuss that later. There's someone else here." She walked up to Bridget and smiled warmly. "Hi. My name's Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings, Klaus and Sunny."

A shocked expression crossed Bridget's face. "No _way!_" she said. But before she could say what had so confused her, another taxi stopped near the curb. Three people got out again, but this time they looked about the same age. There was a boy with black hair and glasses, and another with red hair and freckles. The third, a girl, had bushy brown hair and a disapproving expression.

"Now we're here," she was saying, "although I still don't think we should be. But since we are, we should socialize a bit. Make some new friends. Come on." And she marched over to Bridget and the Baudelaires.

"Hi!" she said. "I'm Hermione Granger."

"I'm Harry," muttered the boy with black hair.

"Ron," said the redhead.

"_What!_" chorused Bridget and Klaus, and then looked at each other and back at the group. Both started talking at the same time.

"Wait. I can't understand either of you," said Hermione. "You first, um…"

"Bridget."

"You first, then, Bridget."

Before Bridget could say a word, all present had their attention distracted by a loud pop. As everyone looked around to see what had caused the noise, a boy and a girl came around the corner of the building, but stopped short when they saw the rest.

"Um, oops," muttered the boy.

"Hey, did any of you hear a loud crack a minute ago?" asked the girl.

"Yes, we were just trying to figure out what it was," said Hermione.

"Hmm…yeah, we were doing that too," said the girl.

"Oh. Well, let's go see," suggested Violet.

"Sure. But first…my name's Nita Callahan, and this is Kit Rodriguez."

"HUH?" said Ron, looking thunderstruck. At the same moment, Violet said, "What!" and Bridget yelled, "You have GOT to be kidding me!"

Once again, however, they were interrupted by the arrival of someone around the corner of the building. This time, it was just one person—a girl. She was very short, and had hazel eyes and auburn hair. There was no popping noise, but she, too, stopped when she saw the group.

"Um, hi," she said. "Holly Short."

"Wait a second…" said Harry. "Ahm…are you sure?" said Klaus. "Hang ON!" shouted Nita. Bridget had run out of words. She just shrieked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

"I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do that. It may be damaging my ears," said another voice. As an expensive-looking (well, more expensive-looking than most) Bentley pulled away from the curb, everyone noticed a boy standing there, obviously having just gotten out of the car. He had black hair, blue eyes, and almost white skin.

"So what's your name?" asked Hermione, looking suspicious.

"My name," the boy said, as grandly as if he were introducing a celebrity, "is Artemis Fowl, Junior."

"NO!" said Hermione, looking shocked. "Awk!" grunted Kit. "Um…" said Violet. "This SO cannot be happening!" cried Bridget. But this time, Holly's was the most notable reaction. She took one look at the boy and screamed. Then she started to run toward him, tripped, and fell flat on her face.

"Are you okay?" said Violet, coming towards the fallen girl. Everyone else came and bent over Holly as well. She rolled over, and, upon seeing Artemis' face, yelled again. Then, to everyone's amazement, she reached up and punched him.

"You IDIOT, Fowl!" she shrieked, and tried to punch him again. He backed hurriedly away. Holly scrambled up and started to give chase, but Hermione stood in the way.

"Get out of the way!" said Holly fiercely.

"No. It's not a good way to start out being friends by punching someone," Hermione countered.

"We're not friends! And I've known him for ages! And—" She suddenly stopped, apparently regretting this statement.

Artemis sighed. "Well, I _was_ going to act like we didn't know each other, but I suppose that's impossible now." Suddenly he smirked, then pasted on a fake mournful expression. "And, Holly, we're not friends? I'm hurt."

"Oh, be QUIET, Fowl! Just shut your mouth!"

"Well, I—"

"STOP IT, both of you!" This last was from Hermione, who firmly shoved them away from each other, then stood in the middle and crossed her arms. "Now, tell us…how do you know each other?"

"He k—" Holly stopped with a gasp. "Um…we…met at school."

"Okaaayyy?" said Hermione, obviously waiting for more.

"And…he's a jerk."

"Allrighty then…" said Violet, obviously trying to make peace. "Well, why don't we just go inside?"


	6. Chapter 6: Conversations and Close Calls

**Disclaimer: Artemis isn't mine, you see—**

**Holly: Artemis belongs to _me!_**

**Aelish: I've got a big part in this story**

**Which is why I'm glad that it's not gory.**

**Me: Aelish, thanks for the cheesy rhyme,**

**We're done with that, so now it's time—**

**Wait a second, I'm still poem-ing,**

**Not to mention how my topic's roaming.**

**So I think I'll stop this stupid cheer**

**And leave you to read my chapter here.**

**P.S. Thanks to Lessa and Ryn for the idea of making my disclaimer into a poem—I was running out of witty sayings. (gulp)**

**Chapter 6: Conversations and Close Calls**

They got to the Green Desert without much trouble. Unfortunately, however, the day was almost over when they arrived, so they didn't have much time to try and find anything. Not that there would be much to find. On the off chance that the Destroyer had, indeed, dropped that slip of paper, and that this was where he or she was going to wreak havoc sometime in the future, most of what they could do was wait.

They set up camp in a spot which Foaly said would be the best place, according to his computers (at which Root snorted in disbelief, but, surprisingly enough, let it go). After sitting around a fire feeling useless for a little while, they decided to go to bed. Ready for bed but not sleepy yet, Artemis cast his eyes about for something to do. They fell on his borrowed LEP helmet, and he decided to examine it more closely, not because he wanted to know how it worked, but purely for the sake of not dying of boredom. He picked it up and put it on, but before he could press any buttons, a voice filtered out of the speakers.

"That you, Fowl?" asked Foaly.

"Yes. What do you need? Or are you bored too?"

"Well…I'm bored, yes, but I also have a matter to discuss with you."

There was silence. After a little while, Artemis asked, with just the slightest hint of impatience, "Well?"

"I…ah…" said Foaly, obviously not sure exactly how to proceed.

"Would you prefer it if I took a leaf out of the commander's book and shouted at you?" inquired Artemis placidly.

"No!" Foaly said hastily, and quickly continued. "See…well, the thing is…do you like Holly?" he asked abruptly.

"In what way do you mean?" the Mud Boy asked, his tone still calm.

"I mean…well, first, are you friends with her?"

"Would I have come all the way down here to see if she was in trouble if we weren't friends?"

"Okay," said Foaly. "And…do you think it's possible that you might be…more than friends?"

"Possible."

"Look, let me put this bluntly. Do you or do you not _like _like her?"

"You mean, do I love her?"

"Well...yes," said a very embarrassed centaur.

"And you need to know this because…?"

"Did she tell you why we're looking for the Destroyer?"

"No," admitted the boy.

"I found this prophecy a while ago," said Foaly. "It was apparently very old, but it warns us against this Destroyer. It says:

'When The Destroyer comes,

He will wreak havoc,

Living up to his name,

Destroying everything in his path.

Even the most safe Haven will fall,

But for one thing.

When human and fairy admit love

For one another,

Then, and only then, will the Destroyer stop destroying,

Then will the spell be broken,

And few will remember what has transpired.'"

"Ah," said Artemis, enlightened. "I see."

"Do you?"  
"Yes. You figure, if I love her, I can say so, and then somehow convince her to say she loves me, even if she doesn't. Then, assuming this prophecy can't tell the difference, the Destroyer will somehow be killed or disappear or something, and you won't have to worry about it."

"Well, not exactly. See—well, actually—well, yes, I suppose we did figure something like that. See, Holly likes you too."

"Mm-hmm. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you—and her, of course—but I have no feelings for Captain Short, and I do wonder where you got that idea. Good night," said Artemis' suddenly cold voice, and there was a click as a very confused centaur was cut off.

The next morning, Holly awoke much earlier than the rest of the group. Feeling tired but unable to go back to sleep, she decided to take a walk to clear her senses.

After half an hour's walking, she decided she had better turn back. Just as she was about to do so, however, she heard footsteps behind her. Some instinct told her that this was no one friendly, and she dived behind a bush before the owner of the sound could reach her. Peering out between the leaves, she saw a cloaked and hooded figure coming toward her. The cape bulged outward at the back, as if with wings, and her immediate thought was, _That's the Destroyer._

On further reflection, as the figure came nearer, she decided it could be another early riser—the commander perhaps, or Trouble (not one of the humans; they were too big). If it was the Destroyer, however, she had to do something. She came to the conclusion that the first thing to do was to see and hopefully memorize the face. To do this, obviously the cloak would have to come off. If she pulled it off and it did turn out to be one of their group, she could always explain what she was doing. As the figure approached her bush, she waited. Five feet away…two…_now!_

She jumped out and ripped away the cape. She had just a glimpse of an astonished green face and sand-colored hair before the long green fingers snapped and the sprite simply…disappeared. There was no other word to describe it. One second he was there, the next—gone. And Holly couldn't figure out how he had done it.

Surprised, she let out a yell. This brought everyone else out of their tents at a run, Artemis in the lead.

"Are you all right?" he panted, skidding to a halt in front of her. She nodded.

"I'm fine. But did you see that?"

"No. What was it?" asked Root, coming up beside the boy. Butler was not close behind, and Juliet and Trouble came after.

"There was a sprite there. I think it was the Destroyer. He had a hood and a cloak on, and I jumped out from behind the bush I was hiding in and pulled it off and saw what he looked like and then he just…disappeared…and…" She trailed off.

"You saw what he looked like?" the commander repeated. "That's great! Now we can get some more leads!"

"Yes, but how did he disappear like that? I mean, in the old days we could do that, but…but that magic has been lost for thousands of years now!"

"Let's ask Foaly," Trouble suggested, and trotted off towards his tent to get his helmet.

"Good idea," said Root, and started to follow, then stopped. "Holly, you'd better stay here. You look tired. No buts," he added as she opened her mouth to protest. "Or you're fired. And I really don't want to do that."

She sighed and nodded.

"Good," he said. "Mud Boy, stay with her. Everyone else, let's go."

Holly opened her mouth again and then shut it, with a frightened look at Artemis. Butler cast a suspicious glance towards Root, but the commander's eyes seemed to reassure the bodyguard, because he motioned to Juliet to come and followed Root back to the campsite, leaving Artemis and Holly alone.

There was a very awkward silence. Finally, Artemis broke it.

"Holly?"

She turned her head silently to look at him.

"About...er…what happened earlier…when you were knocked down by the explosion…and then when I was…"

She cut him off. "Don't even _think_ about telling me it was on purpose!"

"I wasn't. I was going to tell you it was an accident."

"Good," she said, and sighed in relief.

After another long silence, Artemis spoke again. "You know, we never finished that experiment…"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What do you mean?"

"Well, if Foaly has told you about experiments as much as you claim he has," Artemis continued, his voice and face still completely calm, "then you know that to be sure of the results of an experiment, one must repeat it at least three times."

"What are you saying?" asked Holly.

"I'm saying that in order to complete this experiment, we must repeat the test."

With wide eyes, Holly backed up hurriedly.

"Did you really hate it that much last time?" Artemis wanted to know, a tinge of amusement creeping into his voice.

"I…no…I mean…" she stuttered.

"Last night I talked to Foaly on the com set."

She watched him quietly, waiting.

"He asked me if we were friends. I said yes."

Still she did or said nothing.

"Then he asked me if it was possible that we were more than friends. I said it was possible. He wanted to know," here a slight blush appeared in his cheeks, "if I loved you."

Holly held her breath for the answer.

"I asked why he needed the answer to this question, and he told me about the prophecy. He also told me that you liked me."

An expression of anger crossed her face at this. "That jerk!" she said vehemently. "That no-good, idiotic, low-down…"

"And when he said that," continued Artemis, speaking over her, "I just wondered…how he would know?"

Yet another awkward silence fell. At last, Holly spoke, fumbling for words. "It—it was all a mistake. I mean…I didn't—I told them I liked you, because…"

"Was it true?" he asked, watching her face intently and ignoring her continued babbling.

"I…um, sort of."

A small light of satisfaction appeared in his eyes, but he quickly quenched it. "Well, then, you won't mind terribly if I repeat the experiment."

"I…" she began, but was cut off as his lips touched hers. After a moment, he pulled away, and looked at her.

"Now then, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"N-no," said Holly, trembling but happy.

"Did you feel anything that time?" he asked, pulling out his notebook again and grinning at her.

"Skip that part, since I know you aren't serious about the experiment thing."

He chuckled. "I would be delighted," he informed her, and kissed her again.

This time, their "moment" was interrupted by a shout from the direction of the tents. "Oi! You guys coming? We've found something!"

Holly looked at Artemis and shrugged. "I guess we'd better."

He smiled. "Do I actually hear Captain Short admitting to enjoying that? '_I guess_ we'd better'?"

"Umm…"

"Come on," he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her to her feet. "We'd better go see what they want."

**A/N: Thanks for reviewing, everyone! My blasted computer won't let me log on right now, so I can't currently thank reviewers personally, but next chapter I'll try. I'm also sorry it took me so darn long to update. Really! I was on vacation and couldn't even go on the computer at all (sob)! It was AWFUL! (Well, the vacation part was fun, but I thought I'd die without really I did! I survived, but barely.) Anywho, that's my excuse for not updating…hehe…don't kill me! Please! (cowers in corner)**


	7. Chapter 7: Information and Imprisonment

**Disclaimer:**

**As I've already told you a million times—**

**Oh, why can't I stop these blasted rhymes?**

**Anyway, Colfer owns Artemis**

**Though Holly'd kill me if she read this—**

**Holly: I _am_ reading this, you dunderhead,**

**And you can be sure I'll shoot you dead!**

**Artemis: That's not very good grammar, you know**

**Aelish: You're not supposed to be here! Go! Go! Go!**

**Artemis: I have as much right to be here as you.**

**Me: (sigh) You're right. Yes, you do.**

**Now, can we _please_ get on with the disclaimer**

**Before this poem gets any lamer?**

**(Silence)**

**Me: Thank you! Now, as I was saying,**

**My patience now is really fraying!**

**Now, Holly the author also owns,**

**A fact which Artemis, of course, bemoans—**

**Artemis: (blushing) You don't know what you're talking about!**

**Me: (sigh) I'd better leave this part out…**

**Know what? Forget the entire thing!**

**The time is yours, so get reading!**

* * *

**Chapter 7: Information and Imprisonment**

**The Green Desert, campsite**

"Okay," said Trouble, beckoning the two into the dimly lit tent, where everyone else was clustered around a helmet. "Here's what we've got. Fill them in, Foaly."

"Well," said Foaly's voice, broadcasting from the helmet. "You told us that the Destroyer was a sprite. I used this fact and the Destroyer's own words to find out a little bit more."

"Well?" asked Holly.

"Do you remember when he was up on top of that burning building? He said, 'Many years ago, I was cast out.' So I researched that a little bit more and came up with just one fairy. I mean, how many people do we 'cast out' in the first place?"

"Okay…"

"Put on your helmet. I'll send you a picture of the sprite I found and we can see if he's the right one."

Holly did as he told her. After a minute or two of studying the picture, she took the helmet off and proclaimed, "That's him."

"Good. Now, here's what the file on him looks like." He cleared his throat.

"Name: Nettle Reed. Height: 3'1''. Occupation: Archaeologist. Mother…"

"Wait a moment," said Artemis, frowning. "Did you say, 'archaeologist'?"

"Yes," said Holly. "Fairies have archaeologists too. The one difference between fairy and Mud Man archaeologists is that humans dig down. We dig up."

"Because you used to live closer to the surface. I see," Artemis completed, and smiled at her. Juliet snickered, and Butler and Root both elbowed her at the same time. She glared from one to the other.

"In any case," said Foaly loudly, "Where was I? Oh, yes. Mother: Layna Needle Reed. Photographer. Father: Sandy Pine Reed. Doctor. Special Notes—now this is the key part—special notes: NOT A CITIZEN OF HAVEN ANYMORE. Council-approved movement. After coming back from one of his archaeological digs, strange catastrophes began happening around Nettle Reed. After a particularly disastrous fire which killed six and wounded countless others, his case was taken to court and the Council ruled that he be exiled from Haven so as not to harm anyone else. Whereabouts unknown."

A long silence followed this proclamation. At last, Artemis said, "Well, then, one thing is obvious."

"What's that?" asked Juliet.

"At this archaeological dig, your Destroyer must have found something important. Something that changed his life, and threatened others' lives."

"Oh," Juliet said weakly. "Yes, I suppose."

"Well, think about it logically," Artemis told her. "He comes back from the dig and accidents start happening. What kinds of things, I wonder? I'd be willing to bet most of them were the same sorts of things we are experiencing now. Explosions, fires—events which could kill people. These disasters must have alarmed the Council and the general population in Haven enough to exile the poor sprite."

"Right again, Mud Boy," Foaly said. "I did research on that too at a newspaper web site. I found several articles about disasters near this sprite's home which were things like that—fires and such. The later ones mostly blamed him for them."

"But I don't understand," said Holly. "Why would anyone cause disasters like that? What would be the reason?"  
"They wouldn't necessarily do it on purpose," Artemis said. "Perhaps whatever it was that he found or that happened at his dig was something he couldn't control."

"True," Holly admitted.

"So the main thing now, apart from finding the Destroyer himself, is to find out what it was that he found at his archaeological dig," Artemis continued.

"Right," announced Root. "Let's get on it. Captain Kelp—what's it doing?" he interrupted himself, staring at the helmet, which was rolling around on the floor.

"I don't—whoa!" cried Trouble, almost losing his balance, even though he was standing quite still.

"If…" Holly broke off with a gasp as she was thrown to the ground.

Foaly's voice issued from the helmet. "According to this helmet's computers, there are violent tremors in the earth where you are."

"We noticed," growled Root, holding his balance grimly. Unfortunately for him, speaking and standing simultaneously at the current time was not easy. He went over like a tree. "Oof!"

"What's going on anyway?" asked Trouble.

"Don't you see? It's the Destroyer again!" said Holly, riding the earth's waves like a rodeo rider.

"Well, what are we going to do? What _can_ we do, with this going on?" the commander shouted. Holly, with great presence of mind, had already crawled carefully to the door of the tent.

"Holly! Where are you going?" asked Artemis.

"Be right back!" she called, and disappeared. The boy started to go after her, but Butler stopped him.

"Don't," the bodyguard said. As Artemis looked at him rather reproachfully, he added, "I know. But she knows how to take care of herself, and if you go, I have to go too. Three people is too many, but I can't let you go alone."

Artemis, about to protest, sighed and nodded. "As much as I hate to admit it, old friend, you're right."

* * *

Holly, meanwhile, was slowly making her way towards the lone figure she saw in the middle of the desert. Crawling on hands and knees, she managed to make it over most of the minor waves. A few times, she stopped and waited while a larger moment of shaking passed.

Finally she got near enough to the figure to see him clearly. It was, as she had suspected, the Destroyer. Quickly she crawled behind another bush to observe. He was making strange motions with his hands—the same sort of rolling motions as the earth was making.

A strange thought struck her, and she gasped. Was it possible…? It was almost as if…

She wasn't sure. She studied the way his hands were moving again, and then looked down at the earth once more, watching it carefully. Yes, the movements were almost exactly the same. She was so busy looking at the ground that she didn't notice that the Destroyer had stopped making the strange motions and, frowning, come around behind the bush. Until he grabbed her, that is. Before she could do a thing, he had her in a firm grip with one hand over her mouth so that she couldn't scream. She wriggled furiously, but he held her firmly and began carrying her towards a group of tents she could see in the far distance.

After a while, she noticed suddenly that his arms weren't gripping her as tightly anymore. Surprised, she opened her eyes and found that this was because they weren't around her at all. She couldn't move, though, even though there was nothing that should be preventing her. It felt like she was in an invisible cocoon. She also noticed that she was, of all things, floating in the air next to her kidnapper! How under earth was this happening? It defied all natural laws! Unless… That strange thought came to her again. But it wasn't possible. Was it?

The last thing she remembered before blackness overtook her was being shoved into one of the tents in the cluster.

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know, it's short. But I wanted to end the chapter there. Besides, I figured you'd prefer an update now rather than later...anywho...**

**Wow! Two updates in…what, two days? Must be a record for me! But what can I say…I like to keep you people happy, especially since you've been so kindly reviewing me! THANKS SO MUCH! I now have 54 reviews—my top! I love you guys! (cries) Hehe…just kidding. But seriously, you make me feel special. (does special dance) And happy. (does happy dance) Anywho yup…**

**Special thanks to my reviewers:**

**Rakasha Shadowfang**

**Artemis Fowl's Girl (A/N: by the way, Arty's MINE—or he would be if he weren't Holly's)**

**LandUnderWave**

**Brizo**

**maraudersrule**

**Kelitzo**

**Grub Kelp**

**Athemia**

**Carla**

**Spring Pearl**

**AgiVega**

**refloc**

**overprotected**

**blueholly**

**Susanna Anna Hannah Potter**

**Annie-morphs**

**Koru-chan**

**Paene**

**Moon Vampire**

**welovechocolate**

**Light Knight**

**Black Sorceress**

**As soon as your born you start dieing- so you might as well have some fun (A/N: nice, if long, username)**

**By Grace Alone**

**FOWLWEASLEYBAUDELAIREHECKYES (A/N: Once again, if you read this and I got your name wrong, please let me know—I can't see the whole thing)**

**Linxzie (A/N: Ohmygosh HIIIII! Are you still on vacation?)**

**Anywho, these are all my reviewers for the entire story so far and I want to say a SPECIAL thank you to you! And all you people who are reading and haven't reviewed yet—thanks for reading and please review and let me know what you think, even if you say it stinks! Please? (gets down on knees with hands together and sad puppy-dog eyes) Pwease pwetty pwease? (pouts)**

**Aelish: Enough with the drama!**

**Me: Uh-oh…Aelish is here! Gottagobye! (runs away)**

**Aelish: But I—oh well. I was just going to ask to borrow a paper clip… (shrugs and walks away whistling)**


	8. Chapter 8: Rescue and Ridicule

**Disclaimer:**

**I'm not, repeat NOT, going to do it this time.**

**No matter what, I'm not going to rhyme.**

**Wait a minute—that was one too!**

**Oh great! Now what am I supposed to do?**

**I started this rhyming, now I just can't stop**

**And if I don't, this whole fic will be a flop**

**Cause no one will want to read these dratted poems.**

**They'd rather read about elves, dwarfs, and gnomes**

**And, of course, Arty and Holly, too,**

**Who, by the way, don't belong to me or you**

**But to our dear, dear author, Eoin,**

**Who I hope will never read this poem**

**Or he would think I was insane**

**A total and complete lamebrain,**

**An idiot—**

**Aelish: We get the clue!**

**Eoin Colfer would hate you!**

**Me: Not again! Why are you here?**

**Couldn't you just disappear?**

**Aelish: Don't tell me you haven't caught on yet!**

**Come on! You're not an idiot,**

**So why haven't you figured out**

**What my being here is about?**

**I'm here to ruin your little fic!**

**Now stop this dratted limerick!**

**Me: It's not a limerick!**

**Aelish: I don't care!**

**Me: And I _am_ trying! This is unfair!**

**I don't know how to stop this verse**

**I don't want to end up in a hearse**

**From rhyming until I turn blue**

**So I want to find something else to do**

**In my disclaimers! But it won't work**

**And I think I'm about to go berserk**

**So all you people who are reading this,**

**Start reading the fic before something else goes amiss!**

**(Please?)**

* * *

**Chapter 8: Rescue and Ridicule**

Artemis was getting worried. The tremors were long over, and Holly still hadn't come back.

"Butler, I really think she needs help," he said for the billionth time. That was the way it felt anyway.

"I know, Artemis," replied the bodyguard wearily. "But we ought to wait a little longer."

"You've been saying that for the past hour."

Butler heaved a sigh. "I'll tell you what. We wait five more minutes. Just five. If she's not back by then, we'll go in search of her."

Artemis considered it, and then nodded. "Fine. But five minutes only."

* * *

Holly woke up in semi-darkness. It took her a moment of dazed thinking to remember where she was. As soon as she did, she spent about three minutes hitting herself on the head and saying, "Stupid. Stupid," over and over again. Then she realized that this wasn't helping her escape.

"STUPID!" she shrieked, and banged her head against the wall of the tent. Unfortunately for her, it was cloth, and so didn't provide the pain she'd had in mind. Instead, her head bounced right off of it.

"GAH! _STUPID!_" She knelt down and hit her head on the ground. This provided a little more firmness, and brought her back to her senses. Once she'd stopped seeing stars, anyway.

Before she'd had more than a few minutes of thought, however, the tent door opened, and in came the very sprite she'd been hoping to avoid.

"Drat!" she mumbled, furious that she hadn't figured out a way to escape before he decided to monologue at her, which she was sure was what he'd come to do.

"Hello, Captain," he said smoothly, zipping the tent behind him. She opened her mouth to respond, but he cut her off.

"Now, I'm sure you think I'm here to monologue at you like any other evil genius." He stopped and allowed himself an evil smile. Holly rolled her eyes.

"Anyway…" she said, bringing him back to the conversation. He cleared his throat.

"Right. As I was saying, you think I'm here to monologue at you. The best part is, you're right!" He cackled gleefully, and she stared at him in disbelief.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me."

"Nope. Not kidding. So here's the deal." He cleared his throat. "Some years ago, I was on an archaeological dig. I was younger then, and I was ready to find something important. After a few days, I came across a small rusty tin. I picked the lock, being the smart person I am."

Holly snorted.

"Anyway," he continued, apparently choosing to ignore this, "inside the tin, I found some very old and very important papers. And do you know what was on them?"

She raised an eyebrow and waited.

"The secrets of the old magic. That's right," he said, as Holly gasped. "I didn't know that at first. All they had on them were instructions. Wave your hand like this, or turn around so many times. So I took them home and started experimenting.

"Unfortunately, along with the normal disappearing stuff you get with magic, there are also ways to create fires, earth tremors, explosions. Disasters. So, after a few of my tests, people realized that these catastrophes were all happening around me. Not that it was my fault! I mean, come on! I found this paper with instructions for something on it. Naturally, I wanted to find out what they did, right?

"Anyway, so once everybody figured out it was me, they went to the Council. And you know what those idiots did?"

"They exiled you," murmured Holly.

"Yep. Smart, girl. You know, you're kinda pretty."

Holly had a sudden vision of Chix Verbil and groaned. Sprites. They were all the same. Then she had an idea.

Giving him her most flirtatious smile, she walked up to him. "Really? Am I, now? I'm flattered."

_Success_, she thought triumphantly as he looked surprised, then pleased. "Well," he said, turning on the charm. "What do you know? I'd heard that the infamous Captain Short was a tomboy. Not a flirt."

She wanted to ask how he heard things in exile, but didn't. "Well, I guess you heard wrong," she said instead, batting her eyelashes at him. Something she detested, but if it got her out of this…

Smiling, he wrapped his arms around her—and cringed as she punched him in the face.

"Ouch!" he said, rubbing his injured nose and getting blood on his fingers. Holly hid a satisfied smile and ran towards the zippered entrance to the tent, but the Destroyer stuck out a leg.

"Oh no you don't!" he said as she tripped and fell.

"Blast!" she growled. This wasn't over yet. She attempted to get up, but he was right in front of her; she knew that if she actually got on her feet, he would have her back on the floor—and unconscious to boot—in a second. So instead she rolled quickly towards one of the tent poles and smashed into it. She heard the satisfying yell of the Destroyer as the tent came down around her.

Finding the edge of the cloth, she crawled out from under it—just in time to look down at someone's feet. Her gaze went up to Artemis' face, and she gave him a sheepish grin and stood up.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," said Artemis, raising an eyebrow. "So I take it you…er…just escaped?"

Her eyes widened. "Oops! Ssh," she hissed. "He's still in there."

"What?" said Butler. "Then we can still catch him!"

"I…" started Holly, but was cut off by a furious growl from inside the roll of cloth that had been a tent.

"This is ridiculous!" came the Destoyer's voice, and a moment later, he was outside the tent's wreckage, staring at the small group.

"Artemis?" came Holly's voice in the boy's ear.

"What?" he replied quietly.

"Run!" she hissed, and ran—straight towards the Destroyer.

"What…" he gasped, as she flew at him, shoving him on her way past. After a startled moment, Artemis followed, just in time to hit the sprite as he stood up again. Then came Butler, who simply made a fist and whacked the Destroyer's head. This effectively dazed him for a moment, and Butler grinned and picked the fairy up.

"Don't!" shouted Holly, skidding to a stop. "He has the old magic! He can…"

This was enough for the bodyguard, who quickly dropped the Destroyer. This dazed him for another minute and gave Holly, Artemis, and Butler time to get away.

"How do we know he won't kill us from there with this magic?" panted Butler.

"Sight range restriction," said Artemis and Holly simultaneously. Holly stopped running and looked at Artemis.

"And you know this why?"

"Because I know everything about the fairies. Including history. I researched it all before I…um…" He trailed off and looked at his shoes.

Holly looked intrigued. "Before you…?"

"Kidnapped you," he mumbled, embarrassed.

The elf laughed. "I can't believe it! Artemis Fowl is ashamed that he kidnapped me?" she said in mock astonishment.

He scowled at her. "Oh, for goodness' sake, Holly."

She got up and began walking again, giving him an innocent grin over her shoulder. He sighed and followed, as did Butler.

"So what exactly is this sight range restriction thing?" asked Butler after a while.

"Would you like to explain, since you obviously know _so_ much about it?" Holly asked Artemis.

"The target of the magic must be in sight range," the boy said calmly. "I believe it was a way to make sure the fairies weren't completely all-powerful."

"Ah," said the bodyguard, and said no more.

After some time, they finally arrived back at their campsite. As they entered the tent where everyone else was, Foaly jumped up.

"Holly! You're all right!" he said, grinning from ear to ear. Then his grin suddenly turned mischievous. "And isn't that sweet! Mud Boy rescued you. A knight in shining armor." Not a smart thing to say, as he was against the wall of the tent, with no place to run.

As Holly advanced on a rather pale Foaly with a Neutrino at the ready, Butler had a hard time keeping a smirk off his face.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry, I know it's been a couple days. But hey, at least it hasn't been as long as it was before chapter 6! Right? Hehe…**

**Anywho, thanks once again to all my reviewers, including:**

**AgiVega**

**Annie-morphs**

**Spring Pearl**

**Brizo**

**overprotected**

**LandUnderWave**

**maraudersrule**

**refloc**

**fluffyrachel**

**Anywho yup (these are the people who have reviewed chapter 7 so far).**

**By the way, I would like to congratulate Kelitzo on her fantastic story, If This Isn't Love. READ IT, PEOPLE! I loved this story!**

**Aelish: I loved it too, for obvious reasons if you've read it. (grin) Cupid was in there! My idol!**

**Me: Go away, Aelish. And by the way, here's a paperclip.**

**Aelish: Oh. Thanks. Speaking of which…Holly is here. She wants to talk to you. She—**

**Me: AAAAAAAAHHH! HIDE ME! (runs away)**

**Holly: (comes in with white flag) Truce! Where is she?**

**Aelish: I dunno. She ran away when I told her you were here.**

**Holly: But I was going to give her those extra cookies I had from the bake sale!**

**Aelish: I tried to tell her that.**

**Holly: Oh well. You want them?  
**

**Aelish: Sure. Thanks! (walks away munching a cookie)**


	9. Chapter 9: Strolls and Smooches

**Disclaimer:**

**Random person #1: Hello. Welcome to the annual Complainers' Convention. We will start with an introduction by Diana.**

**Me (aka Diana…ha! Review and tell me if you get it…(I wish that was my real name)): Hi, people. Here goes…**

**I just got back from camp and I have sixteen or seventeen bug bites and it was so hot there we were all dying and it was a week without a computer and I'm TIRED and now I am sitting at a hot computer writing instead of watching my movie even though I would sort of rather be doing that because I could sit next to the air conditioner if I was and Aelish has been interfering with my story again, and ON TOP OF IT ALL, I don't own Artemis Fowl!**

**(Applause.)**

**Me (sits down): Thank you, thank you.**

* * *

**Chapter 9: Strolls and Smooches**

"So, Foaly," said Holly, looking too innocent, "why are you here?"

"What do you mean?" asked the centaur grumpily, rubbing his head. He'd just woken up from the unconscious state which her attack on him after his smart comment had brought.

"I mean, why aren't you in Ops?"

"Oh, that. Well…I dunno, there wasn't all that much I could do there anymore…"

"What do you _mean_ there wasn't much more you could do there?" Holly interrupted him indignantly. "There was plenty! You could have found out more about the Destroyer…"

"You didn't let me finish," said Foaly. This silenced her, and he continued. "Now, _as I was saying_, there wasn't much more I could do there because I found some more information. The way I see it, you guys are gonna need all the help you can get."

"Explain," Holly ordered through gritted teeth.

"Well, you'd told us about the mysterious disappearing of the sprite. I thought about it, and the only way I could see that he could have done that is with the old magic. Come on, say it. I was right," he added with a grin.

"Okay, I admit that. You were. But I had the thought before you did. I just…"

"You just thought it was too weird to follow up on," he said. "That's the main difference between a genius and an intelligent person. Geniuses always know when their ideas are right."

"I beg to differ," Artemis cut in, frowning slightly. "It isn't…"

"Enough, you two. You can argue about your mental capacities later," interrupted Holly. "Go on, Foaly."

"Well, anyway, I researched the old magic," said Foaly, looking slightly amused at her reaction—usually she would have gotten angry, but the fact that Artemis had been in the argument seemed to have changed this. "Found out a little more about it. And I found this one pivotal fact."

"Which is,..?" asked Holly impatiently.

"Mirrors," said Foaly simply.

"What about them, donkey?" Root said loudly.

"When someone performs one of the old spells," Foaly said, switching to his "I'm-A-Genius" voice, at which the commander rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath, "the spell sends out invisible rays. Sometimes these affect the person's surroundings, which is how the disasters are produced. Sometimes they're just there. Either way, however, if the spell is to be successful, they need to leave the person's body. Mirrors prevent this by deflecting the rays."

"So if we can surround the Destroyer with mirrors…" began Holly, her eyes wide.

"…then we can prevent him from doing any spells, and this will help us to catch him," Artemis finished.

"Exactly," said Foaly, smirking but unwilling to say anything about the matter after what had happened the last time. He could just see his tombstone now. 'Foaly. Made one too many smart comments about his friend's love life.'

"But how are we going to corner the Destroyer long enough to surround him with mirrors?" asked Trouble.

"Well, I figure we'll set a trap of some kind. I've started spreading a rumor that we've found more of the old magic, a mass-killing weapon. In a while he should come to try and get it from us. Then we'll surround him. There are just enough of us. I'm also having a messenger bring us more weapons. And a bunch of mirrors. Meanwhile, I told my techies to start lining a Howler's Peak cell and a PTV with mirrors, so that when we catch him, we can throw him in a cell and he won't be able to do a thing about it. The weapons carrier will drive the PTV."

"PTV?" asked Butler.

"Prisoner Transport Vehicle," said Artemis and Holly simultaneously, at which the elf rolled her eyes. Artemis grinned slightly.

"Anyway, more weapons is a good thing, since the Destroyer took my Neutrino," said Holly. "I don't want to have to borrow yours forever," she added, turning to Root.

"I don't want you to either," he said. "I need mine."

"So basically, all we have to do now is wait," said Juliet.

"Yup," said Foaly. "Now…we wait."

* * *

Two hours later, everyone was bored to the point of apathy and complete and utter laziness. Holly was lying on her back, gazing up at the roof of the tent. Artemis sat on a chair, his chin in his hand. The Butlers were in one corner of the tent, just sitting there. Root and Foaly had been playing Go Frond (a game rather like the human Go Fish, except that it involved asking whether someone had an elf, a dwarf, a sprite, etc. Frond was the highest card, and one also said "Go Frond" when they didn't have the card the other player needed), but had stopped halfway through the game and were now staring into space. Trouble was absentmindedly doodling on the back of an important paper, which would doubtless earn him a punishment later, but so far the commander hadn't even noticed.

Finally, Artemis stirred. "This is ridiculous," he said, and got up. "I will go take a walk if we have nothing better to do."

Holly looked up. "I'll come," she said. She stood, stretched, and followed him out of the tent.

Juliet and Foaly looked at each other and immediately collapsed laughing.

* * *

"Is there a reason for my shadow?" asked Artemis after a while.

Holly shrugged. "I don't know. I just felt like walking, I guess."

"Hmm. There wasn't anything you wanted me to do?"

"Like…?"

He smiled a little. "Like this," he said, and, putting one arm under her knees and the other behind her back, lifted her up and continued walking.

She laughed and leaned her head against his shoulder. "I didn't expect that."

"I know. You can be the queen and I'll be your chair-bearer," said Artemis playfully. "Make way! Make way for the queen!"

"But if I'm a queen, I need a king, don't I? Seems to me you fit the post."

He grinned at her and kissed her lightly. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying…" She swallowed, suddenly looking nervous, and continued. "I'm saying that I…that I love you."

Artemis studied her for a moment, and then smiled and put her down, all the better to kiss her again.

When the kiss broke, Holly sighed. "I suppose we'd better be getting back," she said, sounding regretful.

"I suppose so," agreed Artemis.

Holly grinned suddenly. "I've just realized—we're acting more and more like Lucy and Ricky now."

"We are, aren't we?" he said, and laughed. Then he picked her up as he'd done before and began walking back towards the campsite.

* * *

"Ah, you're back," said Foaly, as they entered the main tent. "How was it?"

"Um…like a walk?" said Holly sarcastically. She wasn't ready to tell anyone else about what she had admitted to Artemis yet.

"Okay," said Foaly, and proceeded to go into a coughing fit during which the words, "Yeah, right. Denial," were clearly audible. Holly sighed, but said nothing.

"Any news on the Destroyer?" asked Artemis.

"Nope. Nothing," said Root glumly from his chair. "Not hide nor wing of him."

"Oh well," said Foaly cheerfully. "We have plenty of entertainment while we wait."

"Oh really?" asked Holly. "And what might that be?"

"Spying on Juliet and Trouble," answered the centaur, grinning.

"Huh?" said Holly. For answer, Foaly stuck a helmet on her head.

"Use the x-ray setting," he said. "Look through the wall of the tent."

She obeyed, and gasped. "Oh my gosh!"

Foaly grinned.

"What is it?" said Artemis curiously, getting a helmet of his own and flipping through the filters. A moment later, he pulled off the helmet with his eyebrows raised.

"My goodness," he said dryly.

"What…?" asked Root, coming over.

"Trouble just kissed Juliet," explained Artemis calmly.

"And she didn't hit him!" added Holly, still avidly watching through the helmet.

Needless to say, Root's eyes almost popped out.

* * *

**A/N: Well. That was sort of a short chappie wasn't it? Oh well…sorry folks. Anywho, in a few days you should be able to look on my web site to find my fan-made Artemis movie trailer. I'm almost done with it...yay!**

**Oh, by the way, thanks to all my reviewers, who I'm too lazy to list right now. Sorry, guys…as I said in my disclaimer, I'm verrrrrrrry tired. I still appreciate you, though—I'm just too tired and lazy due to the heat and my recent week without a computer…eek! Anywho yup.**

**See, I'm even too lazy to think up a witty sendoff for this chappie. So I'll just say…**

**BANZAI!**

**hollybridgetpeppermint**


	10. Chapter 10: Anger and Astonishment

**Disclaimer: HI EVERYONE! (sings at top of lungs) CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!**

**OHMYGOSH! I LOVE YOU GUYS! I ACTUALLY HAVE OVER EIGHTY REVIEWS! (puts on Hallelujah chorus and dances around happily)**

**Random man in official-looking suit: (pops in, whispers in my ear)**

**Me: Oh…uh…sorry. Ummm…anywho, thanks for the reviews. Since this is supposed to be a disclaimer and I don't want to get sued, I'd better say this as plainly as possible…**

**I don't own Artemis Fowl.**

**(calls off screen) That simple enough for you?**

**Random caveman: (shambles in) Oogh. Ergh. Oogh. (shambles out)**

**Me: Is is just me, or do they get dumber every year?

* * *

**

**Chapter 10: Anger and Astonishment**

An hour later, there had still been no sign of the Destroyer. Juliet and Trouble had come back into the tent shortly after Root had managed to avoid exploding, but he had still looked like an overpuffed bullfrog. Needless to say, both had wanted to know what the matter was. Eventually someone had to tell them, and so, of course, Foaly was volunteered for the job.

He shifted nervously in his seat. "I…now, don't be mad…" Holly had to bite her tongue so hard it almost bled to keep from bursting out into laughter at the sight of him.

Finally, after suspicious looks from both Trouble and Juliet, he gave up. "We saw it," he said, and then added quickly, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need some fresh air." With that, he ran out of the tent, and Artemis, Holly, and Butler all roared with laughter. Root simply rolled his eyes. Juliet and Trouble blushed furiously, and refused to look at anyone, including each other.

After a while, Foaly poked his head back in, looking wary. "Um…" he said. Holly looked up and grinned. "Good one," she told him, trying not to laugh, as he was covered with twigs and leaves. He had obviously been hiding under a bush or something.

At this, he grinned too. "You know, I thought you and Mud Boy were weird enough, but Juliet with Trouble? That's just a little scary."

The expression on Holly's face changed from laughter to anger. "Bad move, donkey," she hissed.

At the same time, Juliet jumped from her seat. "That's it!" she shouted.

"It's time to do something we should have done ages ago!" Holly yelled.

"Yeah!" agreed Juliet.

"Good point!" said Root, also getting up. Everyone stared at him. "What?" he said. "I've been wanting to kill him for ages too."

Juliet shook her head. "Well, anyway…come on, Holly! Let's get him!"

Foaly backed away slowly, looking frightened. "Now really, I didn't mean any harm…I mean…" He broke and ran out of the tent, with Holly and Juliet after him, and Root puffing along behind. Artemis, Butler, and Trouble looked at each other with slight grins and came out to see the chase.

Foaly was still running for all he was worth. Juliet and Holly had gained on him a little, but the commander was still the same distance away, which meant that he was rather far behind the rest. He also looked exhausted.

They watched as the centaur swerved around a corner, ran around the tent past them—and then pelted headlong into a very large object which none of them had noticed until this point. A moment later, the females also came past them, and quickly stopped when they noticed Foaly getting up and rubbing his head.

"What…?" Holly gasped, leaning over and grasping her knees, exhausted.

"Oh," said Foaly weakly. "The PTV's here."

* * *

Some time later, everyone sat in the tent again. Foaly had an ice pack on his head, and there was a new addition to the company.

"Hi, Trub!" a voice had shrilled from inside the PTV. Upon hearing this, Trouble had shouted back, "It's _Trouble_!" and then proceeded to panic after he realized that there was only one person who would call him Trub, and that person was driving the PTV.

They had finally managed to calm him down, and then they had all gone back into the tent.

"Foaly!" Trouble now shouted indignantly. "How could you even _think_ of letting him inside the PTV at all, much less _drive_ it!"

"I didn't know he'd be doing it," said Foaly, sighing. "I just told my techie group to send someone over with a mirror-lined PTV with weapons and extra mirrors inside. I didn't expect that they'd send _him_…"

"Hey! That's not nice," whined Grub. "After all, I did defeat that human over there…"

"BE QUIET!" shouted four voices at once.

"This is not the time to be arguing over who is driving the PTV," said Artemis calmly. "It's here, and that's all that matters, right?"

"You don't get it," said Holly despairingly. Foaly was not so distressed that he could avoid snickering, and she glared at him before continuing. "Grub is…well…I mean…"

"He messes everything up!" shouted Trouble, still quite enraged. "He makes a fuss about every little thing, he tells his 'Butler war story' every five seconds, and he makes a mess of everything he does! He distracts me by calling me Trub every time he talks to me and by annoying me so I can't concentrate on the mission!"

"I see," said Artemis.

"And above all, he's a blasted nuisance!" howled Captain Kelp. "I don't know how I deal with him! He…"

He was interrupted by the blasted nuisance in question tapping him on the shoulder. "_What_?" he snapped, turning furiously on his brother.

"Were you waiting for someone?" asked Grub.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, were you waiting for someone to get here?"  
"_What do you mean_?"

Grub sighed theatrically, looking saintly. "Maybe I shouldn't tell you. You're being quite rude."

"Tell me or I'll…I'll…_just say it!_" yelled Trouble.

"Fine," said Grub, sniffing disdainfully. "I wanted to know whether you were expecting a visitor."

"WHY?"

"Why?"

"YES! WHY?"

"I thought you'd know that. It's because," continuing over Trouble's strangled noises, "because there's a sprite outside."

* * *

**A/N: Muahaha. Cliffie. (grin) Sorry, people. I know, I know…but it's so FUN making them! You try it sometime. I couldn't resist. Don't worry, I'll update as soon as I can.**

**Anyway, I am celebrating my eighty reviews by a little raffle-type thing, so listen carefully:**

**My ninetieth reviewer (note that I currently have exactly eighty-six reviews on this story) will get to read chapters one and two of the story I'm currently writing, Of Chaos, Escape Plans, and Telepathic Communication. (It's the one I gave you a sneak peek of back in chapter 5.)**

**Rules:**

**You MUST give me a way to contact you, either e-mail or private messaging. I can't give you the URL of the story if you don't.**

**If the prizewinner can't receive the prize (i.e. if they don't obey rule #1) no one will get the prize this chapter and we'll try again next chapter with a different number reviewer.**

**The prizewinner may share the prize with three (3) people, and three people only, so choose carefully.**

**Please don't review twice under two different names, as that wouldn't be fair.**

**If the prizewinner decides s/he doesn't want the prize, s/he may contact me, either by review or by PM, and tell me so, at which point no one will get the prize this chapter and we'll try again next chapter with a different number reviewer.**

**You can contact me by review or by PM if you feel something is unfair, but no changes are guaranteed.**

**Anyway, that's the contest. Good luck to everyone, and may the Force be with you!**


	11. Chapter 11: Surprise and Setback

**The first thing I'd like to say, even before the disclaimer, which usually takes priority, is this:**

**I'M REALLY SORRY! Don't kill me! (huddles under desk)**

**I have been so busy over the past little while! Not only that, but I've had a severe case of writer's block. See, the weekend after I updated last, I went camping. Then my aunt came to visit from pretty far away, and I didn't want to spend too much time on the computer while she was here (plus my internet was down, so I couldn't have updated anyway…darn internet!). The last day she was here, we were out and about most of the day, and when we came home the Lost Colony was here (by the way, people, it's REALLY good! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY! At the end, I think I seriously scared my family…my dad was reading a bedtime story to my brothers, and I gave this huge snort, and then I sat there laughing hysterically for a few minutes. Anywho…get it as soon as possible, I think it's my new favorite of the series (before my favorites were AF and TEC. Needless to say, it's fantastic!) anyway, so I spent the rest of the day reading it (it took me four hours and twenty minutes—I timed myself!). After that my writer's block set in.**

**The point of all this has been to say, I do have excuses for not having updated, and I'm really sorry to have kept everyone waiting, especially on a cliffie! I know how bad that is…**

**Now that that's over with, I'd like to say congratulations to LandUnderWave, who won the prize. I'd also like to apologize to LandUnderWave, as my web site is being difficult and I'm not being able to post the darn chapters.**

**Oh yeah, and I know it's a short chapter, but I'm going on vacation tomorrow and won't probably be able to write much, so I figured it was better to post what I had now than to make you wait another week.**

**Okay. Now we get to the disclaimer.**

**Disclaimer: Due to the simplistic nature of last chapter's disclaimer, and the bad response, I have employed a protocol droid who apparently speaks many different languages, including caveman, to present my disclaimer in as many languages as we have time for.**

**C-3P0: (comes in) Hello, everyone. All right. In English, we have the normal. I don't own Artemis Fowl.**

**François: Artemis Fowl n'appartient pas à moi.**

**Deutsch: Artemis Fowl nicht ist mein Besitz.**

**Español: Artemis Fowl no pertenece a mí.**

**Droid: Beep boop bip bip bop boop beep.**

**Caveman: Ugh oogh argh buh boogh ergh u—**

**R2-D2: (comes in) Beep bip boop. Bop bap beep.**

**C-3P0: I know I don't own Artemis Fowl, Artoo! I'm just doing a job for this young human—**

**R2-D2: Beep. Boop b—**

**Luke: (runs in) There you are! I've been looking for you all over the place! (notices me) Who are you?**

**Me: I'm the almighty author of this fic. Bow down to me!**

**Luke: Riiiight. Anyway, I need you, Threepio and Artoo. Darth Vader is—**

**Darth Vader: (comes in) Don't run from me, coward!**

**Luke: Oh, great.**

**Aelish: Maybe I can be of assistance?**

**Luke and me simultaneously: Oh no! Not you again!**

**Me: How do you know Aelish?**

**Luke: Uhhh…**

**Me: Have you been reading my fic? Do you (gasp)—you do! You like to read Arty/Holly fanfics!**

**Luke: Ummm…**

**Leia: (comes in) Hi, Luke. Um…(looks around) Who are these? And what are we doing here? And where's—**

**Vader: Oh, look, they're twins! Well, in that case, I'll just kill _you_ (pointing at Luke) and turn _her_ to the Dark Side! Muahaha!**

**Han: Oh no you won't—hey, who's that? (pointing at Holly, who's just come in looking confused) Whoever she is, she's hot!**

**Leia: (stops trying to punch Vader and cries)**

**Artemis: STAY AWAY FROM HER! (runs in and starts beating up Han)**

**Han: Hey, kid, easy does it! I didn't know she was taken!**

**(Rosethorn and Crane wander in holding hands and stop at the sight of all the chaos.)**

**Rosethorn: Hah! I knew it! I _knew_ we should have taken a left back there!**

**Crane: Darn. I guess you're right.**

**(Aelish and me spot the hand-holding at the same time and giggle simultaneously, then glare at each other.)**

**C-3P0: Artoo, I have to keep translating!**

**R2-D2: BEEP!**

**(Vader and Luke are swinging lightsabers at each other. Artoo is pulling Threepio away, and Threepio is still spouting disclaimers in various languages, including Lord of the Rings elvish. Rosethorn and Crane are arguing over whether they did take the wrong turn or whether this is the Circle Café overrun by idiots. Leia is crying, and Artemis has given the job of beating Han up to Butler, and is instead talking to Holly.)**

**Me: HOLD IT, EVERYONE, BY THE COMMAND OF THE ALMIGHTY AUTHORESS!**

**(Everyone stops what they're doing and looks at me.)**

**Me: (sigh) Now, that's better. Everyone who doesn't belong here, leave! I'm attempting to write a fanfic here!**

**Crane: (sounding snobbish) Why?**

**Me: Well, unless you want me to use my almighty authoress powers on you…**

**(Crane looks scared. Everyone slowly disperses, with the exception of C-3P0 and R2-D2.)**

**C-3P0: If I might continue translating?**

**Me: That's okay. Thanks though, maybe next time.**

**C-3P0: Oh. All right. Come on, Artoo. (starts to leave)**

**R2-D2: Boop beep bip beeeep!**

**C-3P0: (fading) No, that is _not _what you were saying all along!**

**Me: (rolls eyes and sighs) So much for _that_ disclaimer attempt. Oh well. Enjoy the chapter, everyone!**

**(P.S. Sorry if the translations were bad, I used babelfish, which...ahem...is not exactly known for the best ever translations, although it's fairly reliable if you feed your translation BACK into it and make it spit it out at you in English again...)**

_aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_

**Chapter 11: Surprise and Setback**

"WHAT?" shouted Root and Holly simultaneously, jumping to their feet. Foaly's eyes widened, and Juliet gasped, putting long-fingernailed hands over her mouth. Only Artemis and Butler remained perfectly calm.

"Now wait a moment," said Artemis quietly, drawing everyone's attention. "Let's not get excited. He might run."

Everyone saw the sense in this, and organized themselves accordingly, but as they left the tent, Trouble could not resist hissing to Grub, "You idiot! That's the Destroyer! Now look what you did!"

Grub, who up until now had looked completely puzzled, now clapped his hands to his mouth in horror. "I'm sorry!" he whispered. When Trouble didn't answer, he tugged on his brother's sleeve. "I'm sorry! Honest," he said.

The other elf glared. "Just…go wait in the PTV," he said. "We might need you."

Grub nodded, lips quivering, and ran off to the machine. Root followed to get mirrors. A moment later he returned, with one for everyone.

"Now, remember," he said quietly. "Holly will act as bait. Everyone else, surround him. And point the mirrors at him. Got it?"

There were nods in the group.

"Good. Move out, then, Captain Short."

"Yes, sir!" she said, with a smart salute, and walked off.

As Holly came around the side of the tent, the Destroyer didn't move. He had his back to her, and was looking around for people. He didn't see any, though. Thankfully, he also didn't see the PTV on the other side.

When she was about a foot away from him, he heard her coming and turned. The expression on his face changed from searching to surprise and then anger. Before he could do anything, she quickly put her hand over his mouth.

"Shh…" she said, acting flirty again. "Let's not spoil this moment."

He turned her head, wrenching free of her grasp. "You tricked me last time! Why should I believe you now?"

She pouted. "My friends had _mesmerized_ me. I had to punch you." There. She'd given a logical explanation. Now all she could do was hope he believed her. And hope he didn't notice the rest of her group sneaking up behind him, ready to surround him.

He studied her for a moment, while she concentrated on looking as innocent and wronged as possible. At last he asked, "Why did your friends do that?"

"It's kind of a long story…but, well, I had been flirting with the Mud Boy. And they decided that wasn't a good idea, so Commander Root took matters into his own hands."

"Oh," said the Destroyer. "Well…in that case…"

She smiled, and he grinned back at her. In reality, of course, she was smiling because Artemis, Root, Butler, Juliet, Foaly, and Trouble were behind the Destroyer, waiting to trap him. However, he didn't need to know that. Not for another minute, anyway.

"Close your eyes," she said, trying to sound mischievous, excited, and, above all, flirty. "I have a surprise for you." He did so, and the group slowly crept to their positions in a circle around the sprite. As Artemis came up next to her, she noticed that he had a vaguely discontented look on his face, and she leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. He looked at her and smiled, and after that didn't look unhappy anymore. (Actually, Foaly was the one who looked unhappy after that, because he unwisely snickered when Holly kissed Artemis, which earned him a hard punch in the face. His eyes bulged with pain, but he said nothing.)

"Um…" said the Destroyer after a minute. "Are you still there? What's the surprise?"

Root raised his mirror, and the others did the same. "Open your eyes," Holly said sweetly.

The Destroyer opened his eyes—and stared unbelievingly at the group with their mirrors around him. After a moment, he shut his eyes, obviously concentrating, and then snapped his fingers. All of them felt their hands jolt, and also saw pink, blue, and yellow rays hit the mirrors they held and turn back towards the sprite.

"Why can we see them?" Holly whispered to Artemis.

"My guess is that somehow the act of bouncing them back makes them visible," replied the boy.

Meanwhile, the Destroyer was looking furious. "What happened?" he growled, and tried again to disappear. Once more, the rays hit the reflective surfaces and exploded into bursts of colored light, which then headed back the way they had plainly come.

"Sorry, Reed," said the commander with a grin. "You're powerless as long as we have these mirrors."

"What? How? How can this happen?" gasped the Destroyer. "All my plans! I…you can't…"

"Oh, but we can," said Root, who seemed to be enjoying this very much.

"No! This isn't possible!" howled the prisoner. "My work…my—my—I fixed everything up! This can't be happening! I planned it all out! I…"

He was interrupted by the growl of a machine behind them. One and all turned to look. Several of the small group were so startled that they dropped their mirrors.

The PTV was driving up to them, with Grub at the wheel. "Hi, Trub!" he said cheerfully. "I thought you might need some help."

Unfortunately, help was the last thing he was giving them, for he had forgotten one minor detail. He'd so startled them all that there were no more mirrors trained on the Destroyer. No one realized that, however, except the Destroyer himself.

As everyone else stared at Grub and the PTV, he said one word. "Goodbye," said the Destroyer, and snapped his fingers and disappeared.

_aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_

**A/N: Thanks to all my lovely reviewers, since I now have 107 reviews! YAAAAYYY!**

**Oh yeah, and I'm having another contest, only with a different prize. The same rules apply as before (i.e. see chapter 10 if you have questions) only this time it's the 110th reviewer who wins. The prize this time is a choice between a sneak peek of my new Romeo and Juliet fic (grin) or a peek at my equally new Harry Potter fic (gasp! I'm writing a Harry Potter fic!), set in the time of the Marauders. It's basically half prank and half Lily/James romance. Just like last time, I would appreciate it if the winner would PM me with whether they want the prize, which prize they want, and also whether it's okay with them if I announce that they've won on the next chapter.**

**Good luck!**

**P.S. Tune in next chapter for— (is interrupted by a stampeding stream of book characters who don't belong in the fic)**

**Ringwraiths: Mooorrrrdoooorrrrrr…**

**Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin: For the SHIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE!**

**Rosethorn, Lark, Niko, Frostpine, Crane, Sandry, Tris, Daja, Briar, and Moonstream: WINDING CIRCLE!**

**Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Neville, and a miraculously restored Dumbledore and Sirius: HOGWAAAARTS!**

**Lucy, Peter, Susan, Edmund, Mr. Tumnus, and Aslan: NAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRNIAAAAAAAAAAAA!**

**Me: (after being trampled) Ouuuuuchhhh…**

**Mr. Tumnus: (stops) Ouch? Where's that? Is it anywhere near Spare Oom?**

**Me: …**

**Mr. Tumnus: Oh well. (shrugs and follows)**


	12. Chapter 12: Discussion and Delays

**Hi everyone! I'm back and I had lots of fun!**

**Okay, anywho…**

**Disclaimer: **

**Everybody gather round,**

**Listen to this 'not mine' sound.**

**Artemis doesn't belong to me,**

**He belongs to Colfer, you see,**

**So now you know this is no trick,**

**Go and read my chapter quick.**

**(Sorry, guys…that was really cheesy. Oh well…(grin))**

**Chapter 12: Discussions and Delays**

No one said anything for at least a full minute. They were all too busy staring openmouthed at the spot where the Destroyer had disappeared.

Finally Trouble turned to Grub. His eyes were popping, and he seemed to be having problems speaking. "I…you…w—what…how…" he stuttered. His brother backed away slowly, looking frightened.

Foaly looked at Holly with a half-grin. "He's redder than Julius usually is," the centaur said. However, the weak attempt at a joke got no reaction other than Root's growling halfheartedly, "Don't call me Julius." Foaly said nothing, and everyone fell silent again.

Meanwhile, Trouble was advancing on Grub. The captain still seemed unable to speak, but his fingers grasping the air were words enough.

"I d—didn't mean to!" squeaked Grub. He started to run away backwards and tripped over his own feet in his haste. Falling over, he continued to crawl away, gasping apologies.

Everyone was watching the scene as though spellbound. When Trouble got within contact distance of his brother, however, Root finally shook himself out of his reverie.

"Don't hurt him, Captain!" he ordered. Trouble looked at him in angry surprise.

"He—he—let that maniac get away! He completely ignored the danger and everything, and now the Destroyer is gone!"

Root had been getting annoyed, and now both looked as though they would pop any second. Holly tugged on Artemis' sleeve, and he looked down at her reassuringly before taking over.

"We know what he did, Captain Kelp," the boy said. "But hurting him won't help. It simply means we will have one less person to be of assistance in capturing the Destroyer. Besides…"

"Assistance!" shouted Trouble. "Ha! The only thing he can be of _assistance_ in is annoying people!"

"_Besides_," continued Artemis, speaking more loudly in order to be heard over the enraged elf, "it was really everyone's fault. We were all distracted by the simple sound of an engine. If that was really so bad, our plans also could have been frustrated by a bird making a noise overhead, or the wind in a tree. It didn't have to be Grub who ruined our hopes; it could have been anything. We should have been more prepared for outside interferences."

There was dead silence for a moment while Trouble glared at the calm human opposite him. Then he turned away.

Now," said the boy, "I suggest we go back into the tent and discuss what is going to happen next."

Seeing the sense in this, everyone trooped back inside.

"So what are we going to do?" asked Holly, once they were all settled. "We're back to square one. We have no clue where the Destroyer is going, or anything."

"And we can't use Holly as bait again," added Artemis with a slight smile.

"I resent that remark, Mud Boy," said the elf in question.

"But you still like me, don't you?" he asked, amused. Holly blushed and said nothing.

"Anyway…" Root said after a moment.

"We're not exactly back to square one," argued Foaly. "We have our information. We know the Destroyer's weakness. We know how to capture him now."

"And we almost did," growled Trouble, still angry. Grub sighed.

"So I believe the question is, where is the Destroyer going to wreak havoc next, and what can we do to stop him?" Artemis said. There was a murmur of agreement at this.

"But how do we figure that out?" asked Holly.

"Well…we could do what we did before and try to trail him," suggested Root.

"We could," said Artemis, "if he hadn't simply disappeared."

"True," agreed the commander grudgingly.

"Well, what _are _we going to do then?" said Trouble, frustrated.

"Why don't we do some more research and figure out where he's likely to go? We can split up and go to the different places to try and stop him," Foaly said.

"We don't have your computers," Artemis reminded him. "Not to mention it's not a good idea to split up, because we need to surround the Destroyer with mirrors."

"Oh, right."

"If you're so smart, Mud Boy, tell us what we _can_ do!" snapped Root impatiently.

"I suggest we simply wait here. It's possible that the Destroyer will come back."

"What!" said Trouble. "Why would he come back? He knows we have a way of stopping his power."

"Please let me finish," replied Artemis. "As I was saying, it's possible he will come back, because he thinks our mirrors are broken. Most of us dropped them when the PTV appeared, correct?"

There were nods in the group.

"Well, he doesn't know that we have more mirrors, so he may come back to try and capture us. If he does…"

"If!" interrupted Root.

"Yes, if."

"If isn't good enough!" said the commander furiously.

"May I continue?" asked Artemis as though the elf hadn't spoken. Root said nothing.

"Well, then. If he comes back, we will be ready for him. Be aware, though, that we may have to wait awhile."

"But who knows what disasters he could cause while we sit around here doing nothing!" objected Foaly.

"There's not much we can do about that. Do you have a better option?"

The centaur was silent, and Root spoke instead.

"I still don't like it. It's too risky."

"Maybe it's risky," said Artemis. "But it's the only plan we have."

There was a long silence, and then Holly nodded slowly. "I agree," she said.

"You would," muttered Foaly, and Holly glared.

"I agree too," said Trouble at last.

"Okay, I guess," added Root.

"Artemis is a genius," said Juliet. "Whatever plan he comes up with is good enough for me."

"Me, too," Butler added.

Grub nodded, and everyone looked at Foaly.

"Oh, fine!" he said when he noticed the attention he was getting. "But don't blame me if it all backfires."

With this issue taken care of, the group settled down and got ready to wait.

_aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_

Several hours later, they were all bored again.

"I'm bored!" Grub whined, for about the hundredth time.

"We _know_," said Holly and Trouble simultaneously.

"Well, he's right. Isn't there something we can do?" demanded Root of Foaly. The centaur shook his head glumly, and there was silence once more.

After a while, Juliet looked over at her older brother, who was immersed in a book.

"What are you reading?" she asked, purely for the sake of conversation.

"None of your business!" he answered, shutting the volume with a snap and hiding the cover.

"Let me see it," she argued with a grin, grabbing the item. Reading the title, she stared at it for a few moments.

"What is it?" asked Foaly curiously.

"_The Life and Love of Amanda Reynolds_," read Juliet, avoiding Butler's hand, which he was trying to put over her mouth.

"That's enough, thank you," he said, taking the book back and beginning to read. He looked up again when he realized everyone was staring at him.

"What?" he said, coloring slightly. "It's a good book."

"It sounds to me like a romance novel," said Holly, voicing what they all thought.

"Not really," muttered Butler, his face even redder. "It's got a lot of action in it." Then he put his nose back in the book and refused to say any more.

Artemis sighed. "I'm going outside. I need some fresh air." With that, he stood up and left.

It was a long time later that Foaly realized the boy was still missing.

"Where did Mud Boy go?" he asked. "You'd think he'd be back by now."

Holly looked up at him, suddenly frantic. "What if something happened to him?"

"Cool it, Holly," Foaly said.

"What if he got kidnapped?" she continued relentlessly. "What if the Destroyer came back and got him and we didn't even know? What if he's lost? What if…" Her eyes widened. "What if he's _dead?_"

"Chill!" said Foaly again, quite surprised at her agitation. "If it's that big a deal, I'll go find him."

"I'll do it!" she said, standing up. Without a backward glance she ran out of the tent, leaving a bewildered centaur behind.

"Touchy," he muttered, shaking his head and going back to his musings.

When Holly got outside, she was very relieved to be able to see Artemis standing a little ways away, looking out at his surroundings. She ran up and hugged him from behind.

Surprised, he tried to turn. When he saw her, he smiled, and after a moment, she let go.

"What was that for?" he asked, looking rather amused.

"I was worried about you! You've been gone for so long! How could you do that to me? You could have been lost, or kidnapped, or dead for all I knew! You…"

He silenced her with a gentle kiss. After he pulled away he looked at her affectionately.

"I'm fine," he said, reaching out and tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I'm just fine. Don't worry about me."

She sighed contentedly, leaning against him. His arms slid around her, holding her close, and she closed her eyes, reveling in the moment.

For a long time they said nothing. Finally, however, Artemis asked quietly, "Do you feel better now?"

There was no reply. Looking down at her, he realized that she had fallen asleep, her head on his shoulder. He smiled a bit, and then picked her up. She stirred. Her hair fell against her slightly flushed cheeks, and he smoothed it back with one hand.

"Come on," he said, and gently carried her back inside the tent.

As he came in, everyone looked up. He grinned at them. "She was tired," he said simply, and set the elf down on the floor, then sat down beside her. Looking at Foaly, he could almost see the cogs working in the centaur's brain as he thought about commenting and decided not to.

He looked back at Holly and smiled, touching her cheek gently. She stirred again and murmured. He remained perfectly still and silent until she settled.

_I wonder what she's dreaming about_, he thought. Watching her, his mind wandered, and soon, his thoughts carried him, too, off to sleep.

**A/N: Yay, more fluff! Anyway…I guess the chapter didn't have such a good ending. Hehe…I wanted to end it at the waiting part, but I also wanted to include fluff, and besides, it was too short. Speaking of which, I'm proud of myself because this was a longer chapter than usual! YAAAAYYY!**

**Anywho…hehe…**

**Okay, so these contests have been a success, so I'm going to continue having them. Again, see chapter 10 for the rules. This time, the option of prizes are a peek at the Romeo and Juliet fic or an e-mail address at my web site. good luck, and may the Force be with you:D Oh yeah, and last chapter, the winner was Brizo. Apologies again, since I still haven't got anyone's prizes up (my web site is seriously misbehaving—blasted thing!). I'll really try to fix it soon.**

**Sooo…anywho, thanks for all the reviews! Oh, by the way, I now have 127 reviews, so the 130th reviewer is the winner this time! Anyway, I LOVE YOU GUYS! 130!**

**Okay anywho out of time so gottagobye!**


	13. Chapter 13: Swimming and Stupidity or

**A/N: Okay, so the first important thing I have to say, even before the disclaimer, is:**

**I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY**

**VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY**

**SORRY!!!!!**

**I had nasty writer's block, and THEN, after I'd kind of gotten over it, I found out I have carpal tunnel syndrome, which means I'm not supposed to type! In fact, I'm not supposed to be typing this much at ALL, so I want you to know I'm sacrificing myself and my wrists' un-painfulness so you guys can have this chapter!!!**

**So you have no right to kill me. So there. (sticks tongue out)**

**Anywho…I'm FINALLY DONE WITH THE CHAPTER!!! (celebrates) I've been working on it for AGES!!! And I've also been working on some more stuff, so that I may be able to post lots soon! YAAAAYYY!!!**

**Now that the urgent message is over with, let's get on to the disclaimer.**

**

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't— **

**Aelish: AAAAAHHH!! I GIVE UP!!!**

**Me: YESSSSS!!!!! (punches fist in air and sings) HALLELUJAH!!!**

**Handel: (pokes head in through door) Don't defile my music like that! (slams door again)**

**Me: Touchy composers. Honestly.**

**Aelish: Might I remind you that YOU write songs?**

**Me: Yes, and I'm touchy. So?**

**Aelish: (stares in disbelief and exasperation)**

**Me: (HUGE grin) Ahh, life is good.**

**Holly: Found her!**

**Me: …Life WAS good. Goodbye, life.**

**Root: AHA! There you are, you new convict!**

**Me: Are you talking to me?  
**

**Root: Yes! I'm putting you in jail because you implied…CERTAIN THINGS about me and Vinyáya! (blushes)**

**Me: So you don't deny them!**

**Root: Uhhh…(blushes more)**

**Mairelon: (comes swinging in with Kim, dizzy because he's been spinning her around) W-where are we?**

**Kim: (mutters) Buffle-head.**

**Mairelon: Fine, O Genius One, TELL me where we are.**

**Kim: I don't know.**

**Mairelon: (throws hands up in exasperation, then gives up and kisses her)**

**Kim: (blinks, then kisses back)**

**Me: AAAAAAHHH!! (squee) Mairelon and Kim, sitting in a tree…**

**Mairelon: (stops kissing Kim and looks at me with an air of wounded dignity) Who is this immensely childish person?**

**Kim: Beats me. Stop nattering about it.**

**Luke: (gasps) You don't know who hollybridgetpeppermint is???**

**Kim: No.**

**Me: I knew he liked Holly/Arty fics!**

**Luke: (blushes)**

**Kim: So who is this hollybridgetpeppermint person?**

**Luke: You really don't know!!! You're hopeless! You're a failure! You're—**

**Mairelon: Stop insulting her!**

**Luke: Put 'em up! (puts hands up as though he is going to hit Mairelon)**

**Mairelon: Oh, for goodness' sake. (makes gesture which sends Luke flying)**

**Kim: What'd you do that for?**

**Mairelon: He was insulting you!**

**Kim: I can take care of myself. See? (makes gesture just as Luke gets up again, which sends him flying again)**

**Han: Don't hurt the kid! (spots Holly) Oh, look, it's the hot girl again.**

**Leia: NOOO! (attaches herself to Han, crying)**

**Artemis: Oh, no, you don't! BUTLER!!!**

**Butler: But…Master Artemis, I can't beat up a girl!**

**Artemis: Oh, you and your ridiculous sense of honor. (goes over to begin beating up Han himself)**

**Leia: NOOOO! (hits Artemis with shoe)**

**Butler: Now I can beat up a girl! (grabs Leia)**

**Voldemort: (appears out of nowhere brandishing wand) I am the almighty Lord Voldemort! Fear me!**

**Darth Vader: (appears out of nowhere brandishing lightsaber) I am the almighty Lord Vader! Fear me!**

**Voldemort and Vader together: Hey! That's MY line!**

**Voldemort: Hey! If we said the same thing…maybe we're twins!**

**Vader: Voldemort…I AM YOUR BROTHER!**

**Voldemort: NOOOOO! (begins to fall) NOOO! (stops) Wait. That's good, isn't it?**

**Vader: Yep.**

**Voldemort: (giggles like a girl)**

**Vader: I should really teach you how to laugh evilly.**

**Voldemort: Would you??  
**

**Vader: Sure. C'mere. (begins showing Voldemort how to laugh evilly)**

**Rosethorn: (comes in and spots Voldemort and Vader) What are they doing, Crane?**

**Crane: (shrugs)**

**Rosethorn: (sees me) Wait a second! I know that person! She tried to…(blushes) Never mind. Let's get her! (starts to run after me)**

**Crane: (pouts) But…what about our dinner at the Circle Café?**

**Rosethorn: (sighs) Fine. (to me) But I'll get you later, my pretty! And your little dog, too!**

**A Miraculously Restored Sirius: (turns from large black dog into human) I'm not little!**

**Harry: AAAAHHH!!! SIRIUS!!! You're ALIVE!!! (runs over and hugs Sirius)**

**Sirius: Oof.**

**A Miraculously Restored Dumbledore: Now, now, Harry.**

**Harry: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! PROFESSOR!!! YOU'RE ALIVE TOO!!! (abandons Sirius and hugs Dumbledore)**

**Sirius: (cries)**

**Dumbledore: Oof.**

**Me: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! THEY'RE ALIVE!!! (grabs Sirius, Dumbledore, and Harry in large group hug)**

**Sirius, Dumbledore, and Harry: Oof.**

**Ron: LET GO!!! (charges towards me, wand at the ready) Stop trying to suffocate him! Expal—uh, expoo—ummm…**

**Hermione: Oh, be SENSIBLE, Ronald. In the first place, it's 'Expelliarmus', and in the second place, she's not trying to kill him.**

**Me: (now completely hysterical) RON!!! (hugs)**

**Hermione: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY RONNY-POO!!!! AVADA—**

**Me: (dives under convenient desk, looking scared)**

**Hermione: (runs to hug Ron) Are you okay, Ronny-poo??**

**Will Turner: DIRTY PIRATE!!! STOP TRYING TO KIDNAP ELIZABETH!!!**

**Random Pirate: Nooo! Muahaha!**

**Will: (pulls out sword)**

**Random Pirate: (pulls out sword)**

**Jack Sparrow: Now, let's keep the peace.**

**Random Pirate: Oh, some pirate YOU are! The 'infamous Jack Sparrow'! Hah!**

**Jack Sparrow: Hey! (pulls out sword)**

**Random Pirate: You'll never defeat me!**

**Jack: Oh, really? And might I ask why not?**

**Random Pirate: Because…I'm really from the Mafia!**

**Mr. Fowl: (runs past screaming like a girl) MAFIA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!**

**Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia: Muahaha!**

**Jack: Oh dear.**

**Will: Kill him!**

**Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia: And also because I have the Force! (uses the Force to knock Will's sword out of his hand)**

**Will: No fair!**

**Elizabeth: Oh, for the love of dear, sweet Mike! (throws shoe at Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia)**

**Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia: (is hit in the head) Ouch. (faints)**

**Will: (turns to Elizabeth frantically) Who's Mike???**

**Elizabeth: It's an expression.**

**Will: Oh.**

**Luke: Hey, where'd YOU get the Force? (Comes over to Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia)**

**Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia: (miraculously wakes up) Because…I'm actually Leia in disguise! (pulls off mask)**

**Luke: Uhhhh…**

**Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia Who Is Actually Leia in Disguise: Han! (hugs)**

**Han: Oof.**

**Holmes: And, Russell, we have here…**

**Russell: (tugs on Holmes' sleeve) Holmes, who are these people?**

**Holmes: (looks) Well, judging by their clothes…This girl (indicates me) is a fanfiction author called hollybridgetpeppermint, otherwise known as—**

**Me: DON'T SAY IT!!!**

**Holmes: (shrugs) All right. This one… (continues introducing people, all correct)**

**Me: How does he do that? (shakes head in disbelief)**

**Artemis: Quite elementary, really.**

**Holmes: That's MY line!**

**Russell: (snorts with laughter) El-elementary! Hahahaha!**

**Holmes: Russell, it's not that funny!**

**Russell: Yes, it is! (continues to laugh)**

**Holmes: (begins banging head on wall)**

**(There is a loud crack.)**

**Nita: What the heck—Kit, what are we doing here?**

**Kit: (shrugs)**

**Violet: (points dramatically to Holmes) PLEASE tell me that's not Count Olaf!**

**Russell: (looks offended) No, it's not! He happens to be a very distinguished detective by the name of—**

**Klaus: Sherlock Holmes.**

**Sunny: Baskerville!**

**Violet: Oh. (looks sheepish)**

**Klaus: And you're Mary Russell.**

**Russell: Nice to meet you. And you are…?**

**Klaus: Klaus Baudelaire. These are my sisters, Violet and Sunny.**

**Nick: OHMYGOSH! It's the Baudelaires!**

**Rupert: Who are they?**

**Nick: I read about you!**

**Violet: Huh?**

**Maree: If they're the Baudelaires, then where's Count Olaf? (suddenly spots Holmes) Look! It's Sherlock Holmes! Remember, Rupert? The one I told you about?**

**Rupert: The one with the Ring?**

**Maree: No! The famous detective!**

**Rupert: Uhhh…**

**Frodo: How do you know about the Ring?**

**Maree: We've read the book! (gasps) Hey! You're Frodo! (runs over) Oh my gosh! He's so SHORT!**

**Frodo: I resent that remark.**

**Sam: No one makes Mr. Frodo resent them except ME! (tries to punch Maree)**

**Rupert: (does Magid thing to Sam) Stop it!**

**Sam: (tries to punch Rupert)**

**Rupert: (does another Magid thing) I said, stop it!**

**Howl: Hey! You shouldn't use your magic for things like that!**

**Sophie: (blinks) Howl? Did you just say something…noble??**

**Howl: (does magic thing that makes Rupert go flying)**

**Rupert: (does Magid thing that makes Howl go flying)**

**Howl and Rupert together: Oh, no, you don't! (stand up and face each other)**

**Lockhart: That's right, boys! Now, two steps away, and point your wands…**

**Howl: Who the heck is that?**

**Rupert: (shrugs)**

**Howl: Oh well.**

**Howl and Rupert: (take two steps away, face each other again)**

**Everyone except Howl, Rupert, Maree, Sophie, and me: (make circle) FIGHT!! FIGHT!! FIGHT!! FIGHT!!**

**Maree and Sophie: (hug each other and look scared)**

**Me: (comes out from under desk) HOOOOOOLLLLLDDDD ITTTTTTT!!!!!!!**

**Everyone: (stops what they're doing)**

**Me: I'm the Almighty Authoress of this fic, and this disclaimer has been WAAAAYYY too long! So I say, EVERYONE STOP WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING AND LEAVE BEFORE I HAVE TO LABEL THE FIC AS A CROSSOVER, OR YOU'LL GET TURNED INTO A WELL OR HUNG IN ONE!!! IN PAIRS!!!**

**Everyone else except the Artemis cast: (slinks away, looking afraid)**

**Speaker on the Wall: (begins playing 'The Pink Panther' music because of the word 'slinks')**

**Me: QUIET!!! (glares at Speaker)**

**Speaker: (is quiet)**

**Me: THANK you. Now…(turns to Artemis cast) Let us read the chapter. Or else.**

**Artemis cast: (nods, looks abashed)**

**Me: All right, everyone. Read it!**

**

* * *

Chapter 13: Swimming and Stupidity; or, In Which the Author Runs Out of Alliterations **

Artemis woke up gradually, wondering sleepily where he was. After a moment, he opened his eyes to see Holly watching him.

"Hi," she said. "I was wondering when you'd wake up."

He smiled at her and sat up, getting his bearings. Holly was still sitting on the floor next to him. Root and Foaly were playing Go Frond again, along with Trouble and Juliet. He noted, with some amusement, that these two were holding hands subtly. Grub sat in a corner sulking, and Butler was still reading avidly.

Artemis opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Foaly's indignant shout. "You're cheating, Julius!"

"No, I'm not! What are you talking about?" said Root furiously.

"I saw you peek at my cards!"

"Well, I saw you look at mine first! That's why I looked at yours!"

"But I only looked at yours because you looked at mine before that!" retorted Foaly.

"Yeah, but if you hadn't looked at mine then I wouldn't have looked at yours and then you wouldn't have looked at mine so I wouldn't have looked at yours and then we wouldn't be having this argument!"

"You got the wrong number of 'looked at's'!"

"I don't care!"

"HELP!" To everyone's surprise, this voice was not issuing from Root or Foaly but from Holly's helmet.

She snatched it from the ground and put the microphone on speaker for everyone to hear.

"What?" she asked.

"We're being attacked!" came a frantic voice. "We're being…" There was a low rumble, and then the shout came again. "Help us!"

"Who are you? Where are you?" gasped Root, abandoning Foaly and scrambling over to yell into the helmet.

"Corporal Newt! LEP Headquarters! I…"

"We think it's the Destroyer!" said a new, female voice.

"Vinyáya!" shouted Root. "Are you all right?"

"Well, apart from the fact that we're in danger," she said, now sounding distinctly humorous.

"What should we do?" He was almost in a panic now, and Holly and Trouble were looking at him, surprised. Foaly was smirking.

"It would be nice if you could come. We need some backup."

"We're on our way!" he said. "Pack up, everyone!"

"Thanks, Julius," said Vinyáya, and to everyone's amusement and astonishment, he blushed and said, "You're welcome. See you in a while."

"Bye!"

The helmet clicked off, and everyone was left staring at the commander. When he noticed this, he reddened slightly. "What?"

Immediately, they all attempted to look busy; needless to say, most didn't succeed.

* * *

Despite the slightly lighthearted manner on the way back (during the course of which journey Root ended up at least as red as he usually was, but not from anger), they made good time. It had only been some hours before they were in distant view of the LEP building, and another hour or so took them to the front doors. 

Or at least, about fifty feet away from the front doors. Any closer and they would have been drowning.

The Destroyer had apparently called up some sort of tidal wave. Oddly enough, it had certain boundaries, which they were careful not to cross, but it was affecting all within the building and those fifty feet.

"Come on!" shouted Root after a moment, running towards the line where the water stopped. If Artemis hadn't grabbed the back of his uniform, almost choking him, he likely would have launched himself into it, effectively killing himself in a rescue attempt by forgetting the simple fact that he couldn't swim.

"Let—go—Mud Boy!" the elf gasped, turning purple from lack of air and anger and kicking out randomly behind him in an attempt to make the boy release him.

Artemis dodged the blows. "No, commander. We don't need to lose you. If you will wait a moment, I shall devise a plan to get us into the building without suicide."

As he was now emitting croaks, trying for breath, Root stopped fighting. He took huge gulps of air when Artemis let go, and, once he got himself under control, glared. "What did you think you were doing?" he demanded angrily. "Did you think I couldn't take care of myself?"

"Well, considering the fact that you can't swim, maybe he was right," Holly put in, trying not to laugh.

Everyone stared at Root. "You can't swim?" asked Juliet, looking rather dumbfounded. "Surely a commander…"

Holly was still snickering. "He used to be able to," she explained. "In his field days, he could. But it's been so long…"

"That is _not_ why!" Root exploded. "It's because I got knocked on the head on one of my last missions. I got mild amnesia, and once I'd gotten better, no one bothered to teach me how again."

"Exactly," said the captain, nodding her auburn head and looking innocent. "You forgot."

"_Holly_…"

"Excuse me," said Artemis in an all-too-polite manner. "We really don't have time for this. If I might tell you my plan…?"

They all fell silent (grudgingly, on Root's part) and waited to hear what he had to say.

"It's quite simple. All we need to do is find the Destroyer and distract him. If we succeed in driving him away, the water may vanish, and if it doesn't, the immediate danger will at least be over."

"But what about Vinyáya?" exclaimed Root, eyes popping. "She's in there! She could be drowning right now!"  
"I think the water has yet to get deep enough inside the building to drown anyone," said Artemis. "It seems to be mostly outside."  
After some hesitation (and some encouragement in the form of Butler's glare), the commander agreed.

"Right, then," said Holly. "What are we going to do?"

Artemis turned to her, his old familiar vampire smile blossoming on his face. "You'll see."

* * *

"Ready," whispered Grub to Holly. 

"Ready," Holly hissed to Trouble.

"Ready," Trouble told Root.

"Ready," mouthed Root to Butler.

"Ready," Butler said to Juliet.

"Ready," Juliet murmured to Foaly.

"Ready," Foaly mumbled to Artemis.

"All right, then," said Artemis quietly. "Go."

"Go," Foaly mumbled to Juliet.

"Go," Juliet murmured to Butler.

"Go," Butler said to Root.

"Go," Root mouthed to Trouble.

"Go," Trouble told Holly.

"Go," Holly hissed to Grub.

And Grub walked out of his hiding place.

"Oh, mistew," he said, going up to the Destroyer. "I'm wost. Can you tew me wew to find my mommy?"

"Not now," growled the sprite, moving his hands about.

"Please, mistew? I need hewp."

"Beat it, kid."

"But mistew, I'm wost!"

Obviously furious, the Destroyer reached out and hit Grub upside the head. Immediately, the elf let out a wail.

"Owwww! Moooommmmmyyyyy!"

"Be _quiet_, you infuriating child!"

"Moooooooooooommmmmmyyyyyy! The bad man hit meeee! Piinneeeeyy! Come help!"

This was 'Piney's' cue. Trouble stepped out of the trees, pasting a malicious grin on his face.

"Did you hurt my brother?" he asked the Destroyer, his voice level and cold.

The sprite turned to glare at him. "Yes, I did hurt your brother, and he deserved it! He's a pathetic little whiner! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to what I was doing!"

"Oh, no, you don't," said Trouble, deadly calm.

"Oh, yes, I do!" said the Destroyer, following the cliché.

"Oh, no, you don't!" said a new voice, and Foaly moved towards the group.

"Who are you?" asked the sprite. "And don't tell me you're their brother as well. You're a centaur."

"No, I'm not," said Foaly, and pointed to Trouble. "I'm his best friend, and I'm going to help his brother."

"Scat, all of you! I'm trying to work here!"

"I don't think so, Reed," said Holly, coming out to join them.

His head whipped around at her voice, and he stared. "Not you! Why are you here?"

"Because," added Root, "we need to capture you before you do any more harm." He came up to stand beside Holly, and the three humans followed. The Destroyer looked absolutely harassed.

"Why can't all of you idiots just leave me alone? I'm trying to get revenge here!"

Holly snorted with laughter. "That—was the _stupidest_—thing I've ever heard—a criminal say!"

"I am _not_ stupid!"

Root lunged, and had the sprite by the sleeve in an instant. "What about now?"

A sudden evil grin crept over the Destroyer's face. "Nope," he said, and disappeared, leaving the commander holding on tightly to empty air.

"Drat," grumbled the elf. "We almost had him."

"Well done, everyone," said Artemis.

"Well done? We didn't catch him!"

"Yes," said the Mud Boy calmly, "but look."

The water was beginning to drain away from the LEP building. By now, they could see its roof.

Everyone except Artemis and Root applauded, and even the commander's face broke into a smile.

"Let's go, then," he said, and began walking.

**

* * *

A/N: All right. I'm going to end it there for now. However, now that I've figured out what I'm doing, I'll probably have another chapter up pretty soon. Besides, it's Christmas break, so I'll have a lot more time. **

**Oh…by the way, I don't know who won the contest last time, because we're having a storm, and my internet's not working right now…sooo…**

**

* * *

(Edit: Okay, the storm's over (our power was out for, like, three days, and I'm suffering from fanfic deprivation! AAAAAAAHHH!! (tries to pull out her own hair)) but in any case, I am now too lazy to figure out who won the last contest. However, in this chapter, the 150th reviewer gets either a peek at my Romeo and Juliet fic or a peek at the second part of Memories (Butler's memories! Yay!). As usual, if you're the winner, PM me and tell me whether you want the prize, which prize you want, and whether I can put your name on the next chapter. And everyone's prizes are temporarily delayed, because the computer that has my site files on it is disconnected due to the fact that we're remodeling our house. Sorry!) **

**Mairelon: (comes in from spinning Kim again) Uhh…oops, sorry. (leaves in a hurry)**

**Me: I love it when I scare people.**

**Aelish: …**


	14. Chapter 14: Dwarfs and Distemper

**A/N: Hello, friends! I'm your Vitametavegamin girl! Are you tired, run-down, listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular? The answer to all your problems is in this bittle ottle—uh, little bottle.**

**(BTW, that was an "I Love Lucy" joke.)**

**Anywho...**

**Hello, everyone! We're back again for another installment of _Now or Never_! (Finally, I know…)**

**Before we go into the disclaimer, I would like to once again remind my readers that I am starting an I Hate Minerva club! If you want to join, let me know in a review or PM and I'll put you on my list and let you know when it's up. We are also going to have a newsletter and I need people to draw cartoons or write articles for it, so if you're interested in that, again, let me know! Thanks!**

**I would also like to make a small note about this chapter. In the first sentence, it says 'a flying green thing'; in other words, Vinyáya. Let me make it clear that I didn't mean that she's a sprite. (Actually, I think she's an elf…) What I meant was that she was wearing a green Council suit (presumably the Council wears green…? Just made that up, but whatever) and she was running towards him.**

**And the final note before the disclaimer…**

**THIS STORY IS COMING TO AN END!!! (cries)**

**Seriously, though, I can't find a way to make it any longer. I was going to end it before this, but I got the great suggestion from my brother to have the Destroyer attack LEP HQ (by the way, we are assuming here that either the Council meets there or that Vinyáya is in charge of the LEP when Root and Trouble are both gone) and so I could keep going. I have no other plot-tricks up my sleeve, however, so…I think I really have to end it. (And I should warn you now, the last chapter will be quite melodramatic and probably distinctly cheesy.) Anywho…(sniffle)**

**I won't know what to do with myself after this is over. Wow…maybe I'll get to work on that Romeo and Juliet fic, or maybe the Seventh Hour…meh.**

**Sorry, rambling.**

**Okay, now on to the disclaimer!**

**Disclaimer: Since I have had no previous success with getting people to understand that I don't own them, I have taken the liberty of providing a fresh and simple way to look at it…**

**(clears throat, pulls out book and points to first page)**

**A is for Artemis, who I don't own.**

**(points to next page)**

**B is for Butler, who I also don't own.**

**(turns page, points again)**

**C is for Chix, who is only mentioned in passing in this story but who I still don't own.**

**(points)**

**D is for the Destroyer, who I do own.**

**(turns page, points)**

**E is for…**

**Aelish: What are you DOING?**

**Me: Giving people a simple way to remember it.**

**Aelish: Hah! Simple! Last time I checked, we weren't three-year-olds!**

**Me: Last time I checked, YOU were.**

**Aelish: You are so completely rude, you know that?**

**Me: Yup, and proud of it! See? (points to shirt, which says 'Rude and proud of it!')**

**Aelish: Hey, that's not what your shirt said last time I looked at it!**

**Me: Er…you saw that? (blushes)**

**Aelish: Of course! That's why you wear a shirt that says something, so people can see it!**

**Me: Uhhh…yeah…**

**Holly: (pokes head in)**

**Me: AAAAAAAHHH!!! (begins to run away)**

**Holly: Wait! Stop! I won't hurt you!**

**Me: You won't??**

**Holly: No. Not until I find out what your shirt said before.**

**Me: (eyes bulge) You…REALLY don't want to know.**

**Holly: Yup. I do.**

**Aelish: (cheerfully) It said MMY LMPH MRMMSS!**

**Me: (covering her mouth) Oh no, you don't!**

**Holly: Hey! (begins to pull out Neutrino, stops) Oh wait. I said I wouldn't hurt you until I found out what your shirt said. Crud.**

**Me: Muahahahaahahaa!!! (holds arms up, lightning and thunder strikes, scary organ music plays)**

**Aelish: (mouth is now free) It said 'I LOVE ARTEMIS!'**

**Me: (gasp) You said it!**

**Holly: WHAT?! After all your plotting and scheming to get us together, and now we are you STEAL HIM FROM ME?!?!**

**Me: Oh no. This is baaaadddd….**

**Root: (comes in) Hey! I know that girl! She...she…er…**

**Me: (sweetly) I what?**

**Root: You…er…never mind.**

**Vinyáya: Julius, just say it. It won't hurt anyone.**

**Root: No!**

**Juliet: Aha! There she is! Let's get her!**

**Artemis and Trouble: Yeah!**

**Me: (runs away) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!**

**Swarm of book characters: (runs after me)**

**Aelish: (shrugs)**

**Mairelon: Hello, miss. Have you seen a person called hollybridgetpeppermint?**

**Kim: (follows him in)**

**Aelish: She went thataway. (points off to left)**

**Mairelon: Thank you. (starts to go off, is knocked down by first me and then assorted AF characters)**

**Kim: Oh, no! Are you okay?**

**Mairelon: I see flamingos…**

**Artemis: (stops chasing) NEVER SAY THAT WORD IN MY PRESENCE!!**

**Hagrid: What, did he insult Professor Dumbledore?**

**Harry: (cries) Dumbledoooorrrrreeee…**

**Dumbledore: (sticks head in) Yes?**

**Harry: Oh, yeah! I forgot he's alive! (hugs)**

**Dumbledore: Oof.**

**Hermione: Ron, why are you staring at me again?**

**Ron: (stares, doesn't answer)**

**Hermione: Ron? _Ron?_**

**Ron: (is knocked down by me and then the assorted AF characters minus Artemis)**

**Hermione: Oh, my poor Ronny-poo! Are you okay?**

**Ron: I see little birds…**

**Hermione: Awww, Ronny-poo! You're so cute!**

**Sirius: (makes gagging noise)**

**Harry: SIRIUS!! I FORGOT…HE'S ALIIIIIIIVE!! (hugs Sirius)**

**Dumbledore: Ah, a cornucopia of love! (smiles)**

**Sirius: Oof.**

**Me: (running by, chased by assorted AF characters minus Artemis) He may be alive, Harry, but he's not Frankenstein! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!**

**Harry: Huh? (shrug) Oh well. (goes back to hugging Sirius)**

**Vader and Voldemort: (come in holding shopping bags)**

**Voldemort: Oh my gosh, it's, like, totally a FIGHT in here!**

**Vader: Wow, Voldy! You are, like, SOOOO right!**

**Rosethorn: EEK! (hides face in Crane's chest) Save me from the lunatics!**

**Crane: Er…Rosethorn…**

**Briar: PDA!! Wahahaha!! (laughs hysterically and points at the two)**

**Tris: Briar, what are you talking about?**

**Briar: (sees Tris and blushes) Nothing.**

**Niko: (to Voldemort and Vader) Who are you and what are you—(gasp) N-no…It can't be…**

**Numair: (comes in holding Daine's hand) (gasp) OHMYGOSH!!!**

**Daine: What?**

**Numair: It's…it's…**

**Niko: Arram??**

**Numair: Oh. My. Gosh.**

**Both: What are you doing here?**

**Alanna: What's going on?**

**Numair: This is…er…**

**Lark: Niko? Where are you? Oh. Hey, who's this?**

**Niko: Err…this is my brother, Arram.**

**Numair: Whoa, there! First of all, it's Numair! Not…(shudders) Arram.**

**Daine and Lark at the same time: You have a BROTHER?**

**Briar and Alanna: (laugh hysterically at the thought)**

**Niko and Numair: (glare at Briar and Alanna)**

**Kel: Hey, is that…Cleon? (looks at Ron) Oh, good. It's not.**

**Malfoy: Potter, what are you doing here?**

**Kel: AAAAHHH!! It's Joren, back from the dead! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!**

**Neal: Um…Kel?**

**Kel: NEAL! HELLLLLPPPP!!! It's a GHOST!!!**

**Neal: And here I thought you weren't afraid of anything.**

**Kel: I can fight a human, but I can't fight a ghost!**

**Dumbledore: What's wrong with ghosts? They're quite nice actually.**

**Monk: They probably have GERMS in them, is what's wrong with them!**

**Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're not supposed to be out by yourself—hey! Who are you?**

**Malfoy: He's weird.**

**Harry: You think so?**

**Malfoy: Yup.**

**Harry: In that case, I think he's cool. (hugs Monk)**

**Monk: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!**

**Natalie: Er, excuse me…**

**Ron and Hermione: We think he's cool too! (hug Monk with Harry)**

**Monk: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! (tries to run away) EWW!!! YUCK!!! GET OFF ME!!! YOU'RE GIVING ME HORRIBLE DISEASES!!! AND THERE ARE THREE OF YOU!!! GET OFFFFFF!!!! NATALIIIIIEEEEEE!!!**

**Natalie: (pulls Ron off)**

**Hermione: Not my Ronny-poo! (tries to punch Natalie)**

**Jack Sparrow: Ooh, a fight! (pulls out sword)**

**Luke: Ooh, a fight! (pulls out lightsaber)**

**Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia Who Is Actually Leia: Ooh, a fight! (pulls off shoe)**

**(Jack, Luke, and Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia Who Is Actually Leia begin to fight)**

**Jack: I'm a pirate, so you can't beat me!**

**Luke: I have the Force, so you can't beat me!**

**Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia Who Is Actually Leia: I am the great Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia Who Is Actually Leia, so you can't beat me!**

**Mr. Fowl: MAFIA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!**

**Jack: Wait, my shoe's untied! PARLOW!!! No, wait…PARLUH!!! Ummm…parlee? No…**

**Elizabeth: Stop that FIGHTING!! STOP IT!! OH, THE HEAT!!! (pretends to faint)**

**Will: Oh, no! Elizabeth!**

**Holmes: (catches her)**

**Russell: (cries) Holmes doesn't like me anymore!**

**Will: She's MINE!! BACK OFF!!!**

**Holmes: Now, now, Russ, I like you fine.**

**Russell: Why'd you catch her then?**

**Holmes: Victorian reflex.**

**Russell: (sniffle)**

**Jo: Roderigo, Roderigo, SAVE ME!!! (stumbles across the room with back of hand to forehead as if about to faint)**

**Lord Peter: Oops-a-daisy! (catches her)**

**Jo: (looks up) Who are you?**

**Meg: Jo! Mind your manners.**

**Beth: (begins to play piano)**

**Peter: Ooh, what is she playing? (sets Jo on her feet and then goes over to see what she's playing)**

**Harriet: Peter! Where are y—oh. I should have known.**

**Beth: Eek! A PERSON! (starts to get up)**

**Peter: Hey, it's okay.**

**Beth: O-okay.**

**Peter: Let's play a duet!**

**(Beth and Peter begin playing)**

**Harriet: Oh, I know this song! (sings) We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!**

**Briar, Sandry, Tris, and Daja: (join in)**

**Violet: Why are they all singing the Wizard of Oz?**

**Klaus: Beats me.**

**Sunny: Oz!**

**Count Olaf: (comes in with a bad Wicked Witch disguise) I'll get you, my pretties! And your little cat, too!**

**Maree: It's dog, not cat.**

**Rupert: Maree? Who the heck is this?**

**Nick: It's Count Olaf! (laughs hysterically at the fact that Count Olaf is dressed as the Wicked Witch)**

**Rupert: Is HE the one with the Ring?**

**Frodo: HE STILL KNOWS!!! I THOUGHT WE MINDWIPED HIM!!**

**Foaly: (stops chasing me) What?**

**Frodo: Oops.**

**Foaly: You stole my mindwiping technology, didn't you?!**

**Frodo: Ummm…maybe?**

**Foaly: My tinfoil hat! Why didn't my hat work?**

**Frodo: Cause I stole that too.**

**Foaly: I thought you were the good guy! (tries to hit Frodo)**

**Sam: No one hits Mr. Frodo but ME! (realizes what he's said) I mean, uh…no one hits Mr. Frodo!**

**Dementor: (glides in)**

**Legolas: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! IT'S A RINGWRAITH!!!**

**Gimli: (shoots dementor)**

**Dementor: (falls over)**

**Gimli: HAH! A hundred and three!**

**Legolas: Oh, drat! I only have ninety-nine! (cries)**

**Han: Wimp.**

**Howl: Hey, that's not nice! (throws Han back with magic)**

**Sophie: OHMYGOSH! He did something noble…AGAIN!**

**Artemis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! BUTLER!!! (runs past being chased by giggling fangirls)**

**Butler: I'LL SAVE YOU, ARTEMIS!!! (runs after fangirls)**

**Fangirls: (stop dead when they see Holmes, who is doing Russell's hair) Ooh, will you do my hair too? I need it! Do you do makeup? (swarm around Holmes)**

**Russell: What's makeup? They don't mean paint, do they?**

**Holmes: I don't know.**

**Russell: YOU don't know?**

**Holmes: No.**

**(There is a loud crack)**

**Nita: Oops. Kit said to meet him at the library. Must've set the wrong coordinate.**

**(Another crack)**

**Kit: Oh, there you are! (kisses her)**

**(A third crack)**

**Dairine: HEY!! (snickers) Kit and Nita, sittin' in a tree…**

**Nita: Go away, Runt!**

**Dairine: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!**

**Kit: (sigh)**

**Dairine: PDA!!! (giggles)**

**Briar: That's MY line!**

**Vader: And, like, it was, like, SOOOO TOTALLY AWESOME!!! LOL!!**

**Dairine: OHMYGOSH!! IT'S DARTH VADER!!!**

**Vader: Who are you?**

**Dairine: Dairine. And I challenge you, sir!**

**Vader: Not now, I'm talking on my cell phone. (holds up pink phone and goes back to talking on it)**

**Dairine: I demand that you give me the satisfaction of a fight!**

**Vader: Whoa, girl. Chill. (to phone) And I was all like, 'Duh!' And then he was all like, 'No way!' And then I was like, 'Way!' And he was like, 'That's, like, such a totally cute shirt!' And I was like, 'Yeah, and the best part is, it's pink!' And I was all like…**

**Dairine: (wide eyes)**

**Vader: Yeah, like completely ROFL! Hey, BTW, I'm totally gonna go shopping tomorrow…**

**Dairine: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! (screams and runs away)**

**Nita: I TOLD her she shouldn't go looking for him.**

**Cat: Who was that?**

**Marianne: I have no idea. (staring after Vader)**

**Janet: (shrug)**

**Chrestomanci: (vaguely) Hello.**

**Me: CAFFEINE!! WAHAHAAAA!!!**

**Rosethorn: WHAT?? (stares wildly around)**

**Me: (laughs hysterically)**

**Rosethorn: Whoever said that should note that willowbark tea has LOTS OF CAFFEINE in it!!!**

**Lark: Rosie, dear, don't you think it's a little late for that excuse?**

**Rosethorn: Oh. Right. (grins sheepishly at Crane, who is looking rather befuddled)**

**Swarm of fangirls: HEY!!! IT'S NUMAIR!!! EEEEEEEEEEEE!! (converge on Crane)**

**Rosethorn: (fights them off) No! That's Crane! Numair is thataway! (points off to left)**

**Fangirls: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! NUMAIIIIRRRRR!!! (run off in direction she pointed)**

**(There is a huge CRASH and shrill screaming)**

**Crane: What did you do?**

**Rosethorn: I pointed them towards a cliff, is all.**

**Crane: It crashed.**

**Rosethorn: …with pots and pans on the edge so they'd be sure to fall.**

**Numair: (comes over and hugs Rosethorn) Thank you SO MUCH! I owe you my life!**

**Rosethorn: Getoff.**

**Crane: MINE!!! (glares at Numair)**

**Numair: Yes, O Great Fangirl-Saver. (Bows down at her feet)**

**Artemis and Harry: (come over and bow down at her feet also)**

**Rosethorn: Ummm…**

**Christopher Carroll: Holly?**

**Holly: What?**

**Holly Claus: What?**

**Both Hollys: Wait a second…**

**Legolas: (bows at Rosethorn's feet) Thank you, O Great Fangirl-Saver. You've saved me from the horrible fangirls…**

**Will Turner: (bows at Rosethorn's feet) Yes, O Great Fangirl-Saver. You have saved me too!**

**Rosethorn: Okay, I'm getting a little freaked out now…**

**Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry: (in high, squeaky voices) You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful.**

**Will: (looks at Legolas, says in normal voice) Do I know you?**

**Legolas: (also in normal voice) Dunno. You look sorta familiar…**

**Both: (shrug)**

**Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry: (in high, squeaky voices again) You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful. You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful.**

**Rosethorn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! (runs away)**

**Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry: (follow) You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful.**

**Rupert: (looks confused) Should I be doing this too?**

**Maree: NO!**

**Crane: I think she brainwashed them.**

**Holmes: That is exactly what she did.**

**Me: How do you know?**

**Holmes: I noticed that she had something on her hands, and, when I shook her hand, meeting her…**

**Monk: You shook her hand…WITHOUT USING A WIPE?? EWWW!!! Stottlemeyer, you should arrest this man! He could give us all a deadly disease!**

**Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's all right.**

**Holmes: And this man has obsessive-compulsive disorder.**

**Natalie: Oh, good. SOMEBODY gets it.**

**Holmes: Yes. Now, if I may continue…? Thank you. I analyzed the substance on her hands, and found it to be the remnants of a special kind of oil only used in brainwashing machines.**

**Russell: They have brainwashing machines?**

**Holmes: My dear Russell, I invented them.**

**Russell: Oh.**

**Me: Wow. I will never understand how he can figure that out.**

**Holmes: It's quite elementary.**

**Russell: (snorts with laughter) Elementary! Haha!!!**

**Holmes: Mary.**

**Russell: (stops laughing) You called me Mary. You never call me Mary!**

**Holmes: It made you stop laughing, didn't it?**

**Russell: (glares)**

**Elizabeth: Hey, who said Mary?**

**Holmes: I did. (looks at her for a moment) I didn't mean your sister.**

**Elizabeth: How did you know…?**

**Holmes: It's el—**

**Me: DON'T SAY IT!!!**

**Holmes: (clears throat) Er…yes. In any case…**

**Rosethorn: (runs in, pursued by Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!**

**Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry: (running after her, shouting over her and still somehow managing to use high, squeaky voices) YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!! YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!**

**Elizabeth: Ummm…excuse me? (tugs on Holmes' sleeve)**

**Holmes: Yes?**

**Elizabeth: Why is Will running after that lady shouting in a high, squeaky voice that she's saved his life and he's eternally grateful?**

**Holmes: She's brainwashed him.**

**Elizabeth: WHAT??? Oh, NO!!! WIIIIILLLLLLL!!! (runs after them)**

**Holmes: Oh, dear. I fear I made a mistake in telling her that.**

**Me: Okay, you know what, guys? This is getting ridiculous!**

**Rosethorn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!**

**Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry: _YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!! YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!! YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY—_**

**Me: QUIET!!!**

**Holly: (whispers) I'd like to see them be eternally quiet!**

**Elizabeth: (snickers)**

**Me: EVERYONE FREEZE, OR I'LL USE MY ALMIGHTY AUTHORESS POWERS ON YOU!!!!**

**All except me: (freeze)**

**Me: Now, you all need to leave except the AF people! We have a fic to work with here!**

**All: (look nervously at me)**

**Me: Go on! Scat! Shoo, shoo!**

**All except AF characters: (leave)**

**Me: (gasp gasp) Dang, it's exhausting around here!**

**Aelish: You say YOU'RE exhausted?**

**Me: What are you doing here?**

**Aelish: Watching the fun. Want some popcorn? Soda? Candy?**

**Me: (shakes head) I give up. Here's the fic, people, and you'd better be happy!**

**

* * *

Chapter 14: Dwarfs and Distemper **

They were maybe ten feet away from LEP Headquarters when a flying green thing launched itself at Root.

"Julius!" it shouted happily, and collided with him. He was thrown backwards, and if the green thing hadn't thrown its arms around him, he would have fallen and hit his head.

"Julius!" it shouted again, and now it proved to be Wing Commander Vinyáya, hugging Root so tightly his face was turning purple—not from anger, but from lack of air. For the second time in the last little while.

"Gack," he said, and Vinyáya let go, blushing.

"Oops, sorry," she mumbled.

"That's all right," gasped Root, giving her a weak grin. Foaly stopped trying to hold back his laughter and started staring.

"Er, anyway," Vinyáya said hurriedly, "how did you fix the water?"

"We distracted the—oh, crud! That's bad!" gasped Holly suddenly.

"What's bad?" inquired the wing commander, confused.

"He got away. Now we have to find him again!" She sighed. "Maybe we should take the PTV this time."

"Good idea," said Root.

Grub opened his mouth.

"NO!" shouted Holly, Trouble, Root, Foaly, and Vinyáya together.

"No what?" asked another voice.

Holly looked around for its source. _Tree, bush, clump of hair, buil—_ "Clump of hair!"

"I am not a clump of hair!" said the clump of hair, and unrolled itself to reveal a dirty, hairy dwarf.

"Hello, Mulch," said Artemis calmly.

"Convict?" Root gasped, and then thought of something. He glared at Artemis.

"Mud Boy, did you know he was coming?"

"No. I simply have more control over my emotions than you do."

"I resent that remark."

Holly sighed. "You know, people, the Destroyer could be wreaking havoc as we speak."

"But what are we going to do with the convict?"

"Um…"

"Why don't we just bring him with us?" asked Vinyáya.

Root stared at her. "You don't know what you're saying."

"Julius, I know perfectly well what I'm saying. He's another person to help us."

"Another person to hold a mirror and make it less likely for the Destroyer to escape," added Artemis.

The commander glared at the two. Vinyáya sighed, and Artemis looked back, immovable.

That blue gaze must have unnerved Root, because he finally sighed and turned his eyes downwards. "Fine. Let's just go," he said, and began walking.

Holly looked at Artemis, who shrugged, and accordingly, the group started off once more.

Fitting them all inside the PTV was difficult, but they managed. However, 'managing', in this case, meant that Vinyáya had to sit on Root's lap. Needless to say, this was an embarrassment to both of them, and they spent the entire journey avoiding each other's eyes while everyone else snickered.

When Trouble, who was driving, finally pronounced the welcome words, "We're here!" (welcome because it was such a tight fit—Foaly was squashed up against Juliet, who was pressing against Butler, who kept trying to scoot away from Mulch, who kept himself from flying around when the vehicle lurched by holding on tightly to Artemis, who had an arm around Holly, who was glaring at Grub, who was complaining loudly in Vinyáya's ear while Root looked on awkwardly from under the wing commander) they all clambered out. Actually, 'fell out in a big heap' is a better way to describe it. It was fortunate that Butler ended up on the bottom, otherwise the rest might have been killed.

"Oof!" said Root, trying to get up. Instead, he tripped over Holly's arm and went sprawling again.

"Ouch!" said Holly, and, in her turn, attempted to stand. She, however, was held down by Artemis, who was sitting on her foot.

"Oh, dear," said Artemis, and he, too, tried to get up. Halfway there, he lost his balance and fell over onto Grub.

"Hey!" said Grub, and flailed around helplessly in an attempt to get the boy off of him. Unfortunately, he accidentally kicked Trouble.

"Grub!" said the captain, and lunged for his brother, knocking into Juliet in the process.

"Crud," said Juliet, who had also been attempting to stand up, but was now flat on her face in the dirt. Raising her head, she tried to spit out the soil that had gotten in her mouth, but this meant that Vinyáya, directly in front of her, got a mouthful.

"Pffft! Eww!" she said, and, as the only one who actually succeeded in standing up, began to dance around in horror, spitting wildly.

"It's probably not that bad, com—ouch!" cried Mulch, whom she had tripped over. She fell, and he unhinged his jaw to take a bite of the soil. This, however, put his mouth in Foaly's way, and he stuck his hand in it trying to find a way to stand.

"Oh, yuck!" said the centaur. He would have said more, too, if it hadn't been for Butler's bellow.

"You know, people, I'm STUCK down here!" he shouted. Everyone fell silent from their various attempts to get themselves out of the pile and looked at him.

He was on his stomach on the ground. Foaly sat on his back, and Holly lay on one of his hands. Grub was using the man's leg to push himself up, and Root's foot was in his face.

"Oops," said Holly, and crawled off. The rest of them followed suit, and then, finding themselves far enough apart that they could stand, did so. Artemis brushed himself off with great care and looked around for Holly.

"Are you all right?" he asked, coming over to her.

"Fine," she replied, smiling up at him from a rather dirty face. "You?"

"Good." He moved a strand of hair out of her eyes.

"Okay, lovebirds, let's move it out!" shouted Foaly.

Holly glared at him. "Why aren't _you_ moving, then?"

He shrugged and started walking.

"Feel free to boot any centaur backside if it lags behind," whispered Artemis, and she snickered, remembering that day in the Arctic. Then she made her way carefully up through the group, slowing a little ways from Foaly. She waited a second, and then ran the last few steps, brought up her leg, and kicked him.

"Ouch!" cried the centaur, and looked daggers at first Holly, and then Artemis, who was laughing. "What was that for?"

"You know what it was for," said Holly, looking all too innocent, and proceeded to come last all the way to their campsite, just in case.

When they finally reached their stop and got settled, they were all exhausted. Furthermore, there was no sign of the Destroyer.

This, of course, was calculated to put Root in an extremely bad mood.

"_Nothing?_" he asked Trouble and Holly, whom he'd sent to check for marks of recent camps or disasters.

"Not hide nor wing of him," said Holly gloomily, plopping down on the ground with a sigh. Artemis came over and sat beside her, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze. She grinned a little and closed her eyes wearily.

"Captain Short!" said Root angrily. "What are you doing, sitting there like that? We have work to do!"

She cracked open an eye. "What kind of work?"

"Setting up camp!" He was beginning to turn purple.

"Commander, I think…" began Artemis.

"Quiet, Fowl! This is none of your affair!"

"But sir," Holly protested, "he was just trying to…"

"I don't care what he was trying to do! Come help us work!" shouted the commander furiously.

Holly looked around. "Come help _you_ work, you mean. No one else is."

He glanced at them all. Foaly was teaching Butler to play Go Frond, along with the rest of them.

"GET MOVING, YOU LAZY IDIOTS!!" cried Root, now the color of a red cabbage. Then he suddenly stopped. "Er, I—I mean…" he stammered, looking at Vinyáya.

She grinned cheerfully at him. "It's all right, Julius."

He smiled weakly at her and then stomped out of the tent, muttering to himself. After a second, she followed.

"I know where this is going!" exclaimed Foaly happily, and picked up a helmet.

**

* * *

A/N: Yay! Another chapter ready to go! **

**And please don't complain about the disclaimer being longer than the chapter. In the first place, I know it is, and in the second, many people have told me in their reviews that they love the disclaimers.**

**Anywho…**

**Aelish: Do you realize that you always say the same things in these notes?**

**Me: Oh well. Get used to it.**

**Fangirl Ghosts: (chasing Artemis around)**

**Artemis: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! BUTLEERRRRRR!!!!**

**Me: So much for that 'You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful' thing.**

**Aelish: (shrug)**

**Briar: I don't want to learn how to cook!**

**Lark: Too bad. Now, just remember not to step where you spilled—**

**Briar: WHOA!!! (slips)**

**Lark: —oil.**

**(Salt container flies out of Briar's hand)**

**Briar: WATCH OUT!!! FLYING SALT!!!**

**Artemis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!**

**Fangirl Ghosts: (are hit by salt)**

**Briar: Oops.**

**Fangirl Ghosts: (disappear)**

**Artemis: (looks at place where they were)**

**Rosethorn: Briar, where—oh. Why are you on the ground?**

**Briar: (shrugs and gets up)**

**Artemis: (bows down at Briar's feet, and says in high, squeaky voice) You have saved my life. I am eternally grateful.**

**Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry: (come in and bow down at Briar's feet)**

**Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry: (in high, squeaky voices) You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful.**

**Briar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (runs away)**

**Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry: (follow) _YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!! YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!_**

**Briar's voice floating back: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! ROSETHORN!!! HELLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!**

**Rosethorn, me, and Aelish: (collapse laughing)**


	15. Chapter 15: Camp Songs and Crimson Faces

**The first thing I have to say is that I can't believe I'm done with another chapter so fast! Yay! (Edit: Was done with the CHAPTER fast, but the disclaimer and posting…well.)**

**The second thing is that I chickened out on doing the last chapter in the story…sorry. I can almost guarantee that the next chapter will be the last, however, apart from a possible epilogue.**

**Okay, technically I didn't chicken out, but…see…okay, here's how I happen to be writing this instead of the last, melodramatic, climax-chapter…**

**Well, I was trying to figure out how to use the first part of that chapter, because I had to save the good part for last and I wanted to make a longer chapter since it's the last. So I thought, and asked my brother for ideas, and considered the idea he gave me, and discarded it as being too hard (a free-for-all wrestling match? Fun, and probably hilarious, but I can't write fights that well). After that, I thought some more, discarded another few ideas that I thought of, and then I remembered a couple times when friends and I had planned a fic that somehow involved a camp song. (With one of the songs in here—you'll probably know which it is when you see it—I looked at one friend, made the sign for Artemis (yes, we have an ASL—Artemis Sign Language. Got a problem with that? I made it up mostly with people in my choir so that we would be able to communicate without talking when we were 'on a silence'), and we both started laughing. It was too perfect!) Anywho…so I decided to combine all these fic-ideas into one, and why not put it here? Except this chapter got so long that I just decided to put ALL my favorites in here and make this a separate chapter.**

**Soooo…now that that's over with…**

**

* * *

Disclaimer: I wonder if I can actually get one of these done without characters from other books and stuff barging in and—**

**Aly: Hi!**

**Nawat: Hi!**

**Me: Hey, it's Crow-Man! COOL!**

**Guy Who Used to Go to My School Who Looks Like Butler (BTW, there's a cool story behind this; I see him one day in the cafeteria and I look at him and shriek, and my friend (who for some bizarre reason doesn't like AF) is like, 'What?', and I'm like, 'Nothing,' and then later I'm like, 'AAAAHHH!!! It's Butler as a kid! Artemis Fowl is coming true, just later than we expected, and Eoin Colfer is psychic!'): (grunts)**

**Me: Hey! It's Butler-Dude! Why is he here? (realizes) Wait a minute! You people aren't supposed to be in here!**

**Nawat: Aly, would you like a grub? I caught it just for you.**

**Aly: Uhh, no thanks. I don't like grubs.**

**Grub: That's not nice!**

**Trouble: Be quiet, Grub!**

**Nawat: No, this is the grub! (holds up bug)**

**Trouble: Um, yeah…his NAME is Grub.**

**Aly: Why?**

**Trouble: (shrugs) For the same reason as my name is Trouble, I guess.**

**Grub: Why is he calling a bug my name?**

**Trouble: No, no. You are GRUB. That is A grub.**

**Grub: You mean I'm named after a bug?**

**Trouble: …you didn't know that?**

**Grub: No.**

**Trouble: O.o**

**Alanna: (is still laughing at the thought of Numair and Niko being brothers)**

**Daine and Lark: (are knocked down by a flying Briar, followed by Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry)**

**Briar: ROSETHORN!!! HELLLPPPP!!!**

**Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry: _YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!_**

**Numair: _YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY—_Daine! (rushes over) Are you all right?**

**Niko: (simultaneously) Lark! Are you all right?**

**Briar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! ROSETHORN!!!!**

**Artemis, Will, Legolas, and Harry: _YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!_**

**Nawat: That is silly. When we have nestlings, we will teach them to behave better.**

**Aly: (sigh) He just doesn't get it.**

**Aelish: (cackles) I think he gets it better than you do!**

**Me: For once, I agree with her.**

**Aly: Who are you?**

**Me: I'm the Almighty Authoress of this fic. Bow down to me!**

**Aly: Whatever.**

**Me: Drat. Why does that never work?**

**Nawat: Ooh, what's this? (finds spell that will miraculously bring fangirls back to life)**

**Aly: Don't touch th—**

**Nawat: (accidentally activates spell)**

**Aly: —at.**

**Screaming fangirls: NAWAT!!!**

**Nawat: (is buried in screaming fangirls) Oof.**

**Aly: Hey! Stop that! Quit it!**

**Nawat: …**

**Aly: WHATEVER YOU DO, NAWAT, DON'T TRY TO PREEN ANY OF THEM!!! (dives into pile)**

**Me: This is…amusing. (conveniently ignores the fact that none of these people are supposed to be in the fic)**

**Briar: ROSETHORN!!! HELLLLLPPPPP!!!**

**Rosethorn: Crane, go fix it.**

**Crane: Yes, dear. (wanders off in direction of Briar's voice)**

**Vader: (comes in talking animatedly to Voldemort) …and, seriously, Voldy, it was, like, totally awesome!**

**Voldemort: Cool! (looks calculating) You know, we really should lose the all-black look. It's, like, SO two hours ago.**

**Vader: You're right! Time for another trip to the mall!**

**(They start to walk off and bump into Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who are coming in.)**

**Harry: Stand and fight, coward! You killed my parents!**

**Vader: It's father!**

**Voldemort: Whoa, chill! Who are all of you?**

**Vader: (continues) …I think.**

**Harry: Don't play the idiot, Voldemort!**

**Ron and Hermione: Yeah!**

**Harry: We know you recognize us!**

**Ron and Hermione: Yeah!**

**Harry: And we're not afraid to fight you, even if it means being killed!**

**Hermione: Yeah!**

**Ron: Y—wait a second. No one said anything about being killed…**

**Hermione: (makes puppy-dog eyes) Pwease, Ronny-poo?**

**Ron: …all right.**

**Harry: (gags)**

**Voldemort: Whatevs. Anywho, I'm going to the mall. (walks off, followed by Vader)**

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione: (stare after them)**

**Kel: (is still running around frantically, sure that Malfoy is Joren, back from the dead)**

**Dom: Kel? Are you okay?**

**Kel: (gasp) DOM!! SAVE ME!!! (runs over and hides her face in his chest, looking very much like a cheesy movie, except weirder because she's as tall as him)**

**Dom: Uhhh…save you from what?**

**Kel: JOREN!!!**

**Dom: Joren's dead.**

**Kel: NOT ANYMORE!!!**

**Dom: So…what does that make him? Undead?**

**Kel: I don't know, but he can walk! And talk! And…and…**

**Harry: Hey! It's the cool guy again! (hugs Monk)**

**Ron and Hermione: Yeah! (hug Monk too)**

**Monk: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! NATALIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!**

**Natalie: (in monotone) Please get off of Mr. Monk. You are giving him deadly diseases.**

**Malfoy: Oh, look, it's the extremely uncool guy again.**

**Kel: SEE?!**

**Dom: Um. Yeah. Hey, person with blond hair, what's your name?**

**Malfoy: You dare speak to a Malfoy like that?**

**Harry: His name's Draco Malfoy.**

**Kel: NO, IT'S NOT!!! IT'S JOREN, AND HE'S EVIL!!! DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU!!!**

**Harry: Well, Malfoy is evil…**

**Kel: EXACTLY!!!**

**Harry: So Malfoy is this Joren you're talking about?**

**Kel: Yes! And he's back from the dead!**

**Harry: I thought Dumbledore said you can't raise the dead…unless…he's an Infim—uhh, Infoo…um…a dead body controlled by magic!**

**Frodo: Like in the Dead Swamp?**

**Harry: The what?**

**Foaly: Come back here, thief!**

**Frodo: AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (runs away)**

**Foaly: (runs after Frodo)**

**Sam: (runs after Foaly) No one chases Mr. Frodo but ME!**

**Maree: I will never understand why they were so different in the books.**

**Nick: (shrug)**

**Count Olaf: (now disguised as a 'classic' Holmes, with tweed cape, etc.) It's high school, my dear Watson!**

**Maree: That's 'elementary.'**

**Russell: El-elementary! WAHAHAAAA!!!**

**Holmes: Oh dear.**

**Russell: (becomes hysterical)**

**Holmes: I never thought I'd live to see the day. WATSON!!! I NEED HELP IN HERE! RUSSELL IS HYSTERICAL!!!**

**Watson: (from somewhere in the distance) HA, HA!! VERY FUNNY, HOLMES!!**

**Holmes: NO, IT'S TRUE!!! LISTEN!!! (bends down to Russell, whispers) Elementary.**

**Russell: (shrieks with laughter)**

**Watson: OH. UMMM…COMING!!! (comes in) Oh, dear. Mary… (begins trying to calm her)**

**Peter: (sings) Siiiiilent niiiiiiight, hooooolllyyy niiiiiight…**

**Harriet: Um, Peter…**

**Peter: Hm?**

**Harriet: It's the middle of March.**

**Peter: So?**

**Harriet: So, it's not Christmas!**

**Peter: Piffle. I feel like Christmas carols.**

**Harriet: (shrugs and sings with him)**

**Howl: Why are you singing Christmas songs?**

**Peter: Because.**

**Sophie: Howl? Where are you?**

**Fangirls: (look at Howl) Who are you?**

**Sophie: He's Howl, and you're not to touch him!**

**Howl: I can take care of myself.**

**Sophie: (snorts) Sure. Right.**

**Fangirls: (go back to Nawat)**

**Aly: Crud! (dives into pile again)**

**Peter and Harriet: Deck the hall with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-laaaa!**

**Holly: (pops head in) You called?**

**Briar: Phew! I finally got rid of those idiots!**

**Elizabeth: Will is not an idiot!**

**Holly: Neither is Artemis!**

**Briar: Hmph.**

**Jack: Actually…**

**Elizabeth: (sticks tongue out at Jack)**

**Jack: (sticks tongue out at Elizabeth)**

**Elizabeth: (sticks tongue out farther)**

**Jack: (sticks tongue out farther)**

**Elizabeth: (sticks tongue out even farther)**

**Jack: (does the same)**

**Elizabeth: I'm not speaking to you any more!**

**Eilonwy: That's MY line!**

**Elizabeth: Who are you?**

**Eilonwy: Eilonwy, queen of Prydain!**

**Elizabeth: (dismissively) Hm. Really.**

**Taran: (calls) Er…Eilonwy, dear…**

**Eilonwy: Oh, no. He only calls me 'dear' when he wants something! I'm not here! (dives behind Elizabeth)**

**Jack: So who are the idiots chasing now?**

**Elizabeth: Will isn't—**

**Artoo: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP!!! (rolls by frantically)**

**Artemis, Will, Legolas, and Harry: (run after him) _YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!_**

**Elizabeth: —an idiot.**

**Jack: I beg to differ.**

**Eilonwy: (peeks out from behind Elizabeth) So, has anyone seen a beast that talks funny and smells like wet dog?**

**Elizabeth: Are we talking about an actual beast here, or that guy who called you 'dear'?**

**Eilonwy: (sigh)**

**Gurgi: Munchings and crunchings?**

**Hen Wen: Hwoinch!**

**Frodo: HELLLPPPP!!! (runs past)**

**Foaly: Get back here, you thief! (runs after Frodo)**

**Sam: No one chases Mr. Frodo but ME!!! (runs after Foaly)**

**The Eye of Sauron: (sees Frodo) IIIII SSSSSEEEEEE YYYYOOOOOOOUUUUUU…**

**Frodo: (does the 'Frodo fall' (that's when you fall over sideways like he does in the movie. I got this from a friend)) AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (twitches)**

**Gurgi: It is the terrible Eye! Hidings and tidings—no, wait…hidings and…where's my rhyming dictionary?**

**Eilonwy: Forget it! Just—DUCK!!!**

**Everyone except Briar: (ducks)**

**Briar: A duck? Wher—**

**Tris: Idiot! (makes him duck)**

**Briar: Ouch.**

**The Eye of Sauron: (goes away)**

**Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia Who Is Actually Leia: What was that?**

**Frodo: The Eye. (faints)**

**Sam: Mr. Frodo! (gasp) Are you okay?**

**Rosie: Saaammm!!**

**Sam: Rosie? (looks at Briar) I must go to my wife now. I am entrusting the care of Mr. Frodo to you.**

**Briar: Er. Right.**

**Sam: Kneel!**

**Briar: (kneels)**

**Sam: By the power I have, I now pronounce you…(pulls out sword) Knight of the realm, defender of the soil, protector of the crown…**

**Hawkins: Oh, no! Please tell me we're not going through all that again! (grabs the nearest person, who happens to be Maree)**

**Maree: (squeaks and hides behind Rupert)**

**Hawkins: (to Rupert) The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.**

**Rupert: Huh?**

**Maree: Oh. It's okay, then. It's just the guy from that one movie.**

**(There is a loud crash of breaking glass.)**

**Hawkins: …and that would be them breaking the chalice from the palace. So, the pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon. The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true. Got that?**

**Rupert: Sure.**

**Hawkins: Good. Go fight him, and good luck!**

**Jean: What are you doing?**

**Hawkins: Oh, there you are. C'mon, we have to get away before I have to fight him again! (pulls a bewildered Jean away)**

**Rupert: Fight who?**

**Maree: Ignore him.**

**Sam: AHEM!! May I have your attention PLEASE!!!**

**(Silence.)**

**Sam: THANK you. Now, then…as I was saying, I pronounce you knight of the realm, defender of the soil, protector of the crown…**

**Alanna: That's not how the ceremony goes! I should know!**

**Kel: Yeah!**

**George and Dom: Shhh.**

**Sam: (sigh) …Protector of the crown, and most of all, protector of Mr. Frodo!**

**Briar: Thanks. Can I get up now?**

**Sam: Yep.**

**Rosie: Sam?**

**Sam: Coming, dear! (hurries off)**

**Frodo: (wakes up) Did I miss something?**

**Foaly: Now I have free rein! Muahahaa!!**

**Tris: Oh, I am SO much better at that than you. (calls lightning, thunder, and wind) MUAHAHAAAAA!!!**

**Briar, Sandry, and Daja: Cool! You didn't tell us you could do that!**

**Foaly: Whatever. I still have free rein on this guy!**

**Frodo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (runs away)**

**Foaly: WAHAHAAAA!!! (chases him)**

**Briar: NO ONE CHASES MR. FRODO BUT ME!!! (runs after them)**

**Maree: Uhh…**

**Firenze: Hey, you! Centaurs are supposed to be dignified! Come back here!**

**Rob: Ah, let him be.**

**Firenze: I don't believe I've met you. (starts talking with Rob)**

**Mairelon: What are you all doing here anyway? (sees me) Hey, wait a minute! I know that person!**

**Kim: Oh, not that bufflehead again!**

**Jo: RODERIGO, RODERIGO… (starts to stumble)**

**Meg: Will you please QUIT THAT???**

**Jo: (sigh) Fine.**

**Beth: (wanders over to piano)**

**Peter: (sees her) Hey! Let's play Christmas carols!**

**Peter, Beth, Sandry, Tris, and Daja: We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas…**

**Russell: Is ANYONE else here Jewish?**

**Holmes: No.**

**Russell: (sigh) And you know because…?**

**Holmes: It's el—**

**Me: Don't you DARE—**

**Aelish: ELEMENTARY!!!**

**Russell: WAHAHAAAA!!!**

**Me: Aelish, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!**

**Aelish: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! (runs away)**

**Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! (chases her)**

**Holmes: (shakes head) That had to happen sometime.**

**Russell: EHEHEEEEE!!! WAHAHAAAA!!!**

**Nita: (appears with crack) What the heck is so funny?**

**Kit: (appears with another crack) Dunno.**

**Dairine: (appears with a third crack) NITA AND KIT, SITTING IN A TREE…**

**Nita and Kit: QUIET!!!**

**Chrestomanci: (looks around vaguely) Interesting. This appears to be some sort of book-lovers' convention.**

**Rupert: What? Another one?**

**Maree: (stares at Chrestomanci)**

**Rupert: Maree? _Maree?_**

**Maree: (still staring)**

**Rupert: All right, that's IT!!! (marches over to Chrestomanci) OUT! She's MINE!!! (does Magid thing that sends him flying)**

**Chrestomanci: (does magic thing that sends Rupert flying without taking the vague look off his face)**

**Howl and Mairelon: Oh, not again! (do magic things together that send Rupert and Chrestomanci flying)**

**Rupert and Chrestomanci: Oh, no, you don't! (do magic things together that send Howl and Mairelon flying)**

**Everyone except Maree, Sophie, and Kim: (make circle and chant) FIGHT!!! FIGHT!!! FIGHT!!!**

**Me: HOLD IT!! We've already dealt with this once!**

**Everyone: Oh, yeah. (disperses)**

**Cat: (gapes with wide eyes) Was Chrestomanci about to…get into a FIGHT??**

**Marianne: (shrug)**

**Janet: Good question.**

**Kim: No one touches my Mairelony-poo! (stops) Wait, that's too long. Umm…**

**Sirius: (gags)**

**Harry: YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!! HE'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVEEEEEEE!!! (hugs Sirius)**

**Sirius: Oof.**

**Trelawney: You're all going to die!**

**Me: No, we're not!**

**Trelawney: Why not?**

**Me: Because…CAFFEINE!!! WAHAHAAA!!! _(A/N: If you don't get that joke, go read my story 'What Do You Mean, He's Paper?' and you'll get it. Hehe...)_**

**Trelawney: I don't get it.**

**Holmes: Russell, please stop laughing.**

**Russell: (gasp) Can't—(gasp)—stop—(gasp)—el-elementaryyywahahaaaa!**

**Holmes: (sigh)**

**Me: Well, you have to admit it is funny.**

**Holmes: Wait a moment…(frowns) Where's that other girl? The one who looks just like you and is wearing pants just like yours for some strange reason…**

**Me: Hey, girls around here wear pants. Get used to it, buddy.**

**Holmes: (sighs again)**

**Me: Oh, you mean Aelish?**

**Holmes: Yes.**

**Me: (grins evilly) Somewhere… (shifty eyes)**

**Holmes: You do realize that I'm a murder detective…**

**Me: Yup. And I didn't kill her. I just…incapacitated her.**

**Holmes: Well, technically—**

**Me: CAFFEINE!!! WAHAHAAA!!! (runs away laughing)**

**Holmes: (shakes head)**

**Holly: (is talking to Root)**

**Christopher Carroll: Holly?**

**Holly: What?**

**Holly Claus: What?**

**Both Hollys: Why does this keep happening?**

**Holly: My name is Holly.**

**Holly Claus: So is mine.**

**Both Hollys: Oh.**

**Viviana: Nicholas!**

**Nick: It's not Nicholas!**

**Viviana: Not you, dear. My husband. Nicholas, King of Forever, the Land of the Immortals. Otherwise known as Santa Claus.**

**Nick: What, Santa's real, too? Man, I will never regret meeting Rupert! The things I've learned!**

**Viviana: Oh, there you are, Holly!**

**Both Hollys: Huh?**

**Holly Claus: Oh. Hi, mother!**

**Viviana: Hello, Holly. Good morning, Christopher, dear. And who is your new friend?**

**Holly: I'm Holly.**

**Holly Claus: That's how we met.**

**Viviana: Wonderful! (begins chatting with them)**

**Alanna: Aly, we really should go.**

**Aly: Mother! I'm rescuing Nawat!**

**Alanna: Oh. (after a pause) Maybe I should help. Rescuing is more my line than it is yours, isn't it?**

**George: (quietly) Good for you, lass.**

**Alanna: (grins at him and goes to help)**

**Dom: Kel, I think you should calm down.**

**Kel: WHY WON'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME???**

**Neal: Because what you're saying is ridiculous?**

**Kel: LOOK AT HIM!!! (points wildly at Malfoy)**

**Malfoy: (pulls out wand)**

**Kel: (looks nervously at it) What's that?**

**Malfoy: Expelliarmus!**

**Kel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (runs away)**

**Malfoy: (chases her)**

**Neal: Maybe he _is _evil.**

**Me: (screaming over the noise) READ THE FIC, GUYS, AND ENJOY!!!! (runs after Aelish again)**

**

* * *

Chapter 15: Camp Songs and Crimson Faces; or, A Break From the Story for Some Pointless but Fun Filler**

When Root came back inside the tent and noticed all the snickering, he turned beet red (not from anger, surprisingly) and muttered something about 'knew I should have smashed those helmets'. He then sat down in the farthest corner from Foaly, picked up Butler's book, which the bodyguard had conveniently left on the floor, and began to 'read' it upside down. A moment later, Vinyáya entered. She looked around, spotted him, came over, and gently turned the book the right way up. He stared at it for a moment, and then gasped, causing Butler to rush over and take it away, which left Root with no cover for his nicely colored complexion. Which put him in an even worse mood than he'd been before. He sat and glared at Butler, who, being finally fed up with everything, glared right back. Juliet also glared at Root, for glaring at Butler, and Vinyáya, normally calm as she was, still glared at Juliet for glaring at Root. Trouble glared at Vinyáya for glaring at Juliet, which made Root switch to glaring at Trouble. Trouble, having no one to glare at anymore, was left to glare at a helmet, which made Foaly glare at Trouble. Grub, surprisingly, began to glare (weakly, it was true, but still…) at Foaly for glaring at Trouble, and Trouble glared at Grub for being overprotective. Then Holly glared at Trouble because she thought it really wasn't fair on Grub, who was being nice for once, and Trouble glared back, which forced Artemis to begin glaring at Trouble for glaring at Holly. **(A/N: Kudos and a cookie to you if you can actually figure out who's glaring at whom. And is the word 'glaring' starting to get a bit old?)**

All in all, they weren't a happy group. And it was all Root's fault.

After a while spent trying not to look at everyone else so she could avoid glaring at them, however, Holly had an idea.

"Why don't we sing camp songs?"

Needless to say, they all stared at her as if she were quite mad.

"What?" she asked after a moment. "See, it'll be fun! Come on!" And she began to sing.

_A chicken farmer went out one dark and dreary day.  
He rested by the coop as he went along his way.  
When all at once a rotten egg hit him in the eye.  
It was the sight he dreaded: Ghost Chickens in the Sky!_

_  
Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.  
Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.  
Ghost Chickens in the Sky! _

_The farmer had raised chickens since he was 24,  
Workin' for the colonel for 30 years or more,  
Killing all those chickens and sending them to fry.  
Now they want revenge….Ghost Chickens in the sky. _

_Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.  
Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.  
Ghost Chickens in the Sky!_

_Their feet were black and shiny. Their eyes were burning red.  
They had no meat or feathers. These chickens all were dead.  
They picked the farmer up and he died by the claw.  
They cooked him extra crispy, and ate him with cole slaw. _

_Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.  
Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.  
Ghost Chickens in the Sky!_

This did nothing to encourage the rest of them, so she began another song.

_Oh, an elf went yodeling on the mountain so high.  
When along came a goblin, interrupting his cry  
Ho-li-ah, ki-ki-ah, ho-li-ah, ssssshhhh! **(A/N: the sound of flames)** Ho-li-ah, ki-ki-ah, ho-li-ah, sssssshhhh!  
Ho-li-ah, ki-ki-ah, ho-li-ah sshhhhh Ho-li-ah, ki-ki-ah, oh!_

Tentatively, Foaly joined in, and then Juliet and Mulch. As they began another song, Vinyáya and Grub began to sing as well. Trouble, Root, and Butler were last. Artemis simply sat there.

**(A/N: This next part is in script format, so you can better understand what's happening.)**

Holly: I said a boom-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: I said a boom-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: I said a boom-chick-a-rock-a-chick-a-rock-a-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: Oh yeah

Others: (repeat)

Holly: Uh-huh

Others: (repeat)

Holly: One more time…cheerleader style!

Holly: I said, like, a boom-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: I said, like, totally boom-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: Like, completely boom-chick and I'm a chick a-rock-a-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: Like, yeah!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: Totally uh-huh!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: One more time…baby style!

All: (repeat whole thing in small, high voices)

Holly: One more time…opera style!

All: (repeat whole thing singing opera)

Holly: No more times.

**(A/N: End script format.)**

Now they were all singing, except for Artemis. He still sat motionless.

Foaly grinned. "My turn to pick!" he said, and began to sing, looking at Artemis and Holly wickedly.

_Put a boy and a girl in a little canoe_

_When the moon is shining all around_

_As he dips his paddle in_

_It doesn't even make a sound_

_Well, they talked and they talked till the moon went dim_

_He said, 'You'd better kiss me or get out and swim,'_

_So what do you do in a little canoe_

_When the moon is shining all a-_

_The moon is shining all a-_

_The moon is shining all around?_

_Get out and swim!_

Holly raised her eyebrows. "So what do you do in a little canoe/When the moon is shining all a-/The moon is shining all a-/The moon is shining all around?/ Just push him in!" she sang, and Foaly laughed.

"Well, that would work, too!" he said. "Or it could be, 'give him a kiss!'"

"Never!" said Holly, looking mock offended.

"I'm hurt," said Artemis dryly.

Holly grinned at him. "Oh. If it's you in the canoe, then never mind," she said, shooting a warning glance at Foaly, daring him to comment. He wisely chose not to, instead starting another song.

**(A/N: Goes to the tune of "Yankee Doodle"; to be sung VERY fast.)**

_Aardvarks are our friends, aardvarks are our friends, aardvarks are_

_Our friends, aardvarks are our friends, aardvarks are our friends, aardvarks are_

_Our friends, aardvarks are our friends,_

_Aardvarks are our friends,_

_Aardvarks are our friends, aarvarks are_

_Our friends, aardvarks are our friends!_

All of them got mixed up at different points in the song, except for Holly, who went right on singing. When she got to the end, she let out a great breath of air, and everyone applauded.

"How do you do that without getting your tongue tied in a knot?" Foaly wanted to know. He looked envious.

She grinned, shrugged, and then glanced at Artemis with mischief in her eyes.

"I know a song that's perfect for you."

"Oh?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "And what, pray tell, would that be?"  
In answer, she started to sing again…

_OHHH, IIII'DDD…_

_Rather suck on a lemon drop than to try my luck with a lollipop_

_Cause a lollipop will always drop and it gets all over sticky._

_OHHH, IIII…_

_Hate the way it sticks and smears and gets all in my hair and ears_

_With a jellybean you're halfway clean but a lollipop is icky…_

_**(Slower now)**_

_I've tried and tried and just couldn't find_

_A lollipop that's halfway refined…_

_**(Faster again)**_

_SOOOO IIII'DDD…_

_Rather suck on a lemon drop than to try my luck with a lollipop_

_Cause a lollipop will always drop and it gets all over sticky,_

_Ooh, icky,_

_Ooh, icky, icky, icky,_

_YUCK!_

Artemis grimaced. "Yuck, as childish as it is, is definitely the right word there," he said.

Holly smirked. "Like it?" Then she grinned again. "You know, there's another song I think would be fun to sing…"

_My name is Flo and I work in a button fact'ry,_

_I've got a boss who just gets meaner by the year,_

_One day he said, 'Hey, Flo!_

_Are you busy?' I said, 'No!'_

_He replied, 'Then push this button here, and use your right hand.'_

_**("Push" air with index finger of right hand in time to the music)**_

_My name is Flo and I work in a button fact'ry,_

_I've got a boss who just gets meaner by the year,_

_One day he said, 'Hey, Flo!_

_Are you busy?' I said, 'No!'_

_He replied, 'Then push this button here, and use your left hand.'_

_**(Continue doing it with your right hand, and do the same with left index finger at the same time)**_

_My name is Flo and I work in a button fact'ry,_

_I've got a boss who just gets meaner by the year,_

_One day he said, 'Hey, Flo!_

_Are you busy?' I said, 'No!'_

_He replied, 'Then push this button here, and use your right foot.'_

_**(Continue with both motions while adding kicks with the right foot)**_

_My name is Flo and I work in a button fact'ry,_

_I've got a boss who just gets meaner by the year,_

_One day he said, 'Hey, Flo!_

_Are you busy?' I said, 'No!'_

_He replied, 'Then push this button here, and use your left foot.'_

_**(Continue with all motions, add kicks with left foot)**_

_My name is Flo and I work in a button fact'ry,_

_I've got a boss who just gets meaner by the year,_

_One day he said, 'Hey, Flo!_

_Are you busy?' I said, 'No!'_

_He replied, 'Then push this button here, and use your tongue, please.'_

_**(Continue with all, add sticking out tongue, still in time to music—should sound strange now)**_

_Mblyy nblaame ibls Flo athnd I wlork illn a blutton flactory **(etc.)**_

'…_Ablre yllou bllusy?' I saiblld,_

'_YESSSS!'_

They all began to laugh when she finished.

"That's fun!" said Juliet cheerfully. "And it reminds me of one kind of like that. At least, your mouth does the same things…"

_I u-loo-loosed to play-lay-lay on my-ly-ly banjo-lo-lo_

_But my-ly-ly banjo-lo-lo got bro-lo-lo-lo-loke._

_I too-loo-look it to-loo-loo a me-le-lender's sho-lo-lop_

_But the me-le-lender's sho-lo-lop was shu-lu-lu-lu-lut._

_I too-loo-look it to-loo-loo ano-lo-lother sho-lo-lop_

_To see-lee-lee what they-lay-lay could do-loo-loo-loo-loo._

_They fi-li-lixed the stri-li-lings on my-ly-ly banjo-lo-lo,_

_And now-low-low it play-lay-lays like new-loo-loo-loo-loo._

Foaly smirked. "Hey, guys, I know another song that I think fits nearly all of you."

They all turned to look at him, and he sang:

_When Johnny Jones was serenading Mary,  
He sure could quote a lot of poetry  
But he'd much rather tell her  
what he learned in his speller  
When they both attended PS thirty-three... _

_  
"A," you're adorable, "B," you're so beautiful,  
"C," you're a cutie full of charms.  
"D," you're a darling and "E," you're exciting  
And "F," you're a feather in my arms.  
"G," you look good to me, "H," you're so heavenly,  
"I," you're the one I idolize.  
"J," we're like Jack and Jill, "K," you're so kissable,  
"L," is the lovelight in your eyes. _

_"M," "N," "O," "P," I could go on all day.  
"Q," "R," "S," "T," alphabetically speaking, you're OK. _

"_U," made my life complete, "V," means you're very sweet,  
"W" "X" "Y" "Z" _

_It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you  
To tell you what you mean to me._

By the end of the song, he had succeeded in his quest of getting Artemis, Holly, Root, Vinyáya, Trouble, _and_ Juliet to blush.

Needless to say, he was very proud of himself.

**

* * *

A/N: First thing: MIDI files for 'Ghost Chickens in the Sky' and 'Alphabet Love Song' can be found at http COLON // wwwDOTchristysclipartDOTcom/campDOThtm#FATHER20ABRAHAM and http COLON // wwwDOTchristysclipartDOTcom/camp2DOThtml#Alphabet20Love20Song , respectively. All you have to do is go to each page, press CONTROL + F, and type in either 'chicken' or 'alphabet', depending on which song you want. (I think this only works in Internet Explorer, though; the rest of you will have to figure out your own 'find' function. Sorry.)**

**Secondly—**

**Russell: WAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!**

**Holmes: Russell…**

**Me: (sigh) I give up. Please rev— (is run over by Artoo)**

**Artoo: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!! (rolls away)**

**Artemis, Will, and Legolas: (run after him) _YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!_**

**Me: Ouuuuuchhhh…(faints)**

**Aelish: Yay! I have the story all to myself no— (is hit on the head by an R.F.C. (random flying cheese)) Ouuuuuuuuchhhh… (also faints)**

**Me: (miraculously wakes up) Muahaha! (faints again)**


End file.
